This bloke was ordered from the pool for pissing in the water.
- That's ridiculous! - he shouted at the pool manager.
- Everybody does it, you know.
- That may be so - came the reply,
- but usually not from the diving board.
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.
Teen says:
- Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?
Grandpa replies:
- Nope.
Teen says:
- Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?
Grandpa replies:
- A wedding ring.
- Teenage Driver: But, officer, I'm a college man.
- Policeman: Sorry, but ignorance is no excuse.
So you think your life is bad...
Just think how bad the life of an egg is...
You only get laid once
You only get eaten once
It takes 4 minutes to get hard and 2 minutes to get soft
You have to share a box with 11 other guys
And the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!
- Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market - said the man.
- Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically - remarked his friend.
- I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me.
Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.
With a low voice he sad to his wife:
- Maude, when I'm dead and gone... I want you to marry farmer Jones.
- Oh no, I couldn't marry anyone after you! - Maude replies.
- But I want you to, Maude.
- But why? - Maude asks.
- Because that no good son of a bitch once cheated me in a horse trade!
What's green a slimy and found at the North Pole?
→ A lost frog!
A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says:
- I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!
The Madam is astonished:
- But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal.
The trucker replies:
- Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick.
Why is a burning candle like being thirsty?
→ Because a little water ends both of them!
Why did the skeleton burp?
→ Because it didn't have the guts to fart.
