Most viewed jokes

Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy. Murphy says:

- Paddy,

- I've got a problem.

- What's the matter? - replies Paddy.

- Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any edges.

- What's the picture of? - asks Paddy.

- It's of a big cockerel - Murphy replies.

Paddy says:

- Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look.

He gets to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door.

- Oh thanks for coming Paddy.

He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.

Paddy looks at the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says:

- For God's sake Murphy, put the cornflakes back in the packet.

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
→ So he could hide in the cherry tree!

Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other:

- Do you ever get to feeling horny?

- Yes - her friend replied.

- What do you do about it?

- I usually suck on a Lifesaver.

After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked:

- Well, what beach do you go to?

How can ya tell when a woman has fucked too much?

Ya put yer thumb in her ass, AND yer middle-finger in her cunt...

Now, if ya can SNAP yer fingers, ya know she's been fucking too much..

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
→ They both drop their needles!

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply:

- I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say:

- I'm Janey Sugarbrown.

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said:

- Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?

With her mother standing just a few feet away, the little girl replied:

- I thought I was, but Mommy says I'm not.

The newlyweds showed up at the hotel and asked for the honeymoon suite.

- Do you have reservations? - asked the desk clerk.

- Only one - replied the groom.

- She won't take it up the ass.

So the elephant says to the naked man...

- You breathe through that little thing?

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

- Da-ad...

- What?

- I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?

- No. You had your chance. Lights out.

Five minutes later:

- Da-aaaad...

- WHAT?

- I'm THIRSTY... Can I have a drink of water??

- I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!

Five minutes later...

- Daaaa-aaaad...

- WHAT??!!

- When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?

What's the difference between Bill Clinton & J.F.K?
→ One got his head blown off in the back of a limousine & the other got assasinated.