Most viewed jokes

Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms.

The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he has to listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting:

- One, two three, uhh... one, two three, uhh...

In the morning, the second dwarf says to the first dwarf:

- So how was it?

The first dwarf says:

- It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night.

The second dwarf says:

- You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the fucking bed.

Did you know that the night Santa first met his future wife he uttered the now famous words:

- Yes, that is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to meet you.

A girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this happen?" She replied, "Last week." The police then asked, "Why did you wait until now to report it?" "Well," she said. "I didn't know that I was assaulted until the check bounced."

your mama so fat that when she wanted a water bed, they had to put a cover over the Atlantica Ocean.

What do rodents say when they play bingo?
→ "Eyes down for a full mouse"!

Two men were talking to each other about how pussy tastes.

The first guy said:

- I think it tastes like cherry pie.

The other guy said:

- I think it tastes like shit.

Then the first guy said:

- You are supposed to turn her over.

What did the bus conductor say to the frog?
→ Hop on!

What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a redneck divorce all have in common?
→ Someone's going to lose their trailer...

This guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he sits drinking, he notices a peanut jump out of the dish before him. The peanut proceeds to talk, 'hey there buddy,' it hollers, 'you're looking mighty fine tonight!' The guy can't believe what he is seeing. 'This sure is some strong beer!' He thinks to himself before getting up to go to the toilet. On his way back to the bar, the guy walks past a cigarette machine which appears to speak, 'hey asshole, go screw yourself!' it yells.

The guy can't believe it and decides to ask the bartender what's going on. 'Hey bartender, I swear to god that one of those peanuts over there just started a conversation with me and on the way back from the men's room, your cigarette machine just swore at me.' 'Let me explain,' replies the bartender 'the peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order.'

There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said:

- Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest said:

- Confess your sins and be forgiven.

The young woman said:

- Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.

The priest thought long and hard and then said:

- Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it.

The young woman asked:

- Will this cleanse me of my sins?

The priest said:

- NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face.