Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.
They hear her say:
- Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!
The six-year-old says to his brother:
- He must be fucking her up the ass!
A department store had to call off its special summer sale in August because of a conflict -- its Christmas sale was beginning two days later.
Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
What do you say if you meet a toad?
→ Wart's new!
One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.
- Where did you get that ring? - her husband asks.
- Well - she replies.
- my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings.
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
- Where did you get that coat? - her husband asks.
She replies:
- My boss and played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings.
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari.
- Where did you get that car? - her husband asks.
Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings.
That night, his wife asks him to pour her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she find that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end.
- And this? - she asks her husband.
- Well - he replies.
- we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?!
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
→ Morse toad!
A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, over come with awe at the of sight God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his knees, Adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family. The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, "So, where ya thinking of sending the kid for school?"
- Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.
- Little Johnny: Here it is!
- Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
- Class: Little Johnny!
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden:
- Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.
There were three guys in a new bar that just openened and the bartender asked them what he should call his new bar.
One guy said:
- just name it a pub.
Another said:
- just name it the bar.
The thrid guy said:
- name it Suzy's Legs.
The owner like that one so he called his bar Suzy's Legs.
The next morning, this same guy and his dog were sitting in front of the bar waiting for it to open when a cop drove by and asked what he was doing?
He replied...nothing officer...:
- just waiting for Suzy's Legs to open so I can get a drink!
