Most viewed jokes

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
→ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court". These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.

What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

How old is your son--the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.

What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said:

- Where am I Cathy?

Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.

And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and500.

Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: and, before the accident? A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or a cult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.

Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Were you present when your picture was taken?

Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

How many times have you committed suicide?

She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?

You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wifeQ: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

A young girl is speaking with her father.

- Daddy, what's that between your legs?

- That's my hedgehog.

- Wow, it's got a massive cock.

After their love-making session the young bride asks her husband:

- Was making love to me really the same as making love to Marilyn Monroe?

- Yes, she's dead too!

- Was making love to me really the same as making love to Marilyn Monroe?

- Yes, she's dead too!

A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.

He jumped in with his bag and shouted:

- Let's go!

The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said:

- Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.

- Why? - asked the pilot.

- Because I am a photographer - he responded.

- and photographers take photographs.

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered:

- You mean you're not the flight instructor?

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me:

- You're next. They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who is strollin by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

- A brave New Yorker saves friend from vicious animal - he starts writing in his notebook.

- But I'm not from New York - the boy replies.

- I'm visiting from Kentucky!

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:

- Redneck bastard kills family pet.

Why was the cannibal expelled from school?
→ Because he kept buttering up the teacher.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
→ Gifted!

How do blonde braincells die?
→ Alone.

How do you brainwash a blonde?
→ Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
→ Artificial intelligence.

How does a blonde part their hair?
→ (Action of scissoring legs apart)

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
→ Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

What was the blond psychic's greatest achievment?
→ An IN-body experience!

When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
→ After a dye job.

Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
→ It swells at night.

Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
→ She'd just dyed her hair.
→ She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Why do blondes wear their hair up?
→ To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
→ You can park in the handicap zone.

Why is a blonde like a turtle?
→ When they're on their backs, they're screwed.

A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks:

- Where did you get that?

→ The pig says:

- I won her in a raffle!

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
→ Humpme Dumpme.

Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
→ She liked kids...

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
→ Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Why do blondes like lightning?
→ They think someone is taking their picture.

Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
→ It takes too long to retrain them.

Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
→ They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Did you hear about the Polish Admiral who wanted to be buried at sea when he died?

Five sailors died digging his grave.