Most viewed jokes

What is the difference between a Certificate of Deposit and Intercourse?
→ A Certificate of Deposit has significant penalty for early withdrawal.

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
→ He decided to stick it out for one more year!

A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch. "Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?" "As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?"

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.

How is Christmas celebrated in a Jewish home?
→ They put parking meters on the roof!

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

yo mama so fat she sat on a tractor and made it a pick-up truck.

Three college students were rapping about who they'd like to be cast off on a desert with. The first one opted for Cindy Crawford. The next one chose Pamela Anderson. The third man chose Virginia Pipeline. "Never heard of her." his companions protested. "Who is she?" "Why she's just the greatest Italian gal of all, making the headlines in the newspaper," replied the third man. "See, here it is on page one: FIVE DIE LAYING VIRGINIA PIPELINE"

The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm.

- Heavens - she cried. It's my husband! Quick, jump out the window.

The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then demurred.

- I can't - he said. We're on the thirteenth floor.

- For heaven's sake - cried the young lady in exasperation. Is this a time to be superstitious?

There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner, who was tending bar, said:

- I've never seen you in her before.

The guy says:

- Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on my way to find a job.

The owner asks:

- What do you do?

The guy says:

- I write music and play the piano.

The owner, looking excited says:

- REALLY! I have an ad in the paper looking for someone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for me if you're interested.

The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talent and musical abilities. The owner says:

- You play the piano more beautifully than anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?

The guy says:

- I wrote that song and the name is Two Lesbians Fucking Their Brains Out.

The owner gasps and is taken back. He says:

- My gosh, that's a terrible name for such a beautiful song. Do you know any others?

The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by this guy's talent and musical abilities. He's almost afraid to ask but he does ask what the name of the song he just played.

The guy answers:

- I Fucked Her All Night Until She Couldn't Take Anymore.

The owner again was shocked. The owner says:

- Ok, you play beautifully and the songs you have written are incrediable. I will hire you, but you have to promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons.

The guy agrees.

That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazed as the owner was with this man's musical abilities. After playing two songs the crowd stood up and applauded. The guy was really pleased and stood up to take a bow. When he stood up and faced the audience, it was apparent that his zipper was open and his dick and balls were hanging out.

One of the patrons close to the piano says:

- Sir, do you know your dick and balls are hanging out?

The guy smiles and says:

- KNOW IT, I WROTE IT!