Most viewed jokes

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:

- Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

- Okay - says the rabbi - let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly:

- You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!

Pinnochio was receiving complaints from his girlfriend about consummating their passions.

- Every time we make love - she said:

- I get splinters!

So he went back to his maker, Gipetto, the carpenter, to ask for advice.

- Sandpaper my boy, that's what you need - was the carpenter's response.

A couple of weeks later the carpenter saw Pinnochio again:

- How are you getting on with the girls now?

- Who needs girls? - replied Pinnochio!

What makes a glow worm glow?
→ A light meal!

The morning after their honeymoon night, Julie says to her husband:

- You know, you're really a lousy lover!

Her husband replies:

- How would you know after only 30 seconds?

My girlfriend told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt!

So I fucked her 3 times and then hit her with a baseball bat.

John pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he'd first had sex.

- It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours.

- That sounds wonderful - said Brian.

- Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.

- Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?

- Baaaaaaa.

Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear walked out into the clearing no more than 50 feet in front of them.

The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes, then began to furiously attempt to lace them up as the bear slowly approached them. The second man looked at the first, confused, and said:

- What are you doing? Running shoes aren't going to help, you can't outrun that bear.

- I don't need to - said the first man. I just need to outrun you.

One night a police officer named Mike was working the grave-yard shift and he drove to his house around 3 A.M. in the morning. He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark, and got in bed with his wife. Then she said:

- Honey, can you go over to the Drug Store and pick me up some Asprin?

The husband said yes, got dressed in the dark, and walked over to the Drug Store.

When he got to the Drug Store, he got the Asprin and went up to the desk so that the clerk could ring it up. Then when he got up there, the clerk asked:

- Say, Aren't you Mike This-and-That?

Mike answered him and said:

- Yes I am.

Then the clerk looked puzzled and asked:

- Well, aren't you a police officer?

And again Mike replied yes.

Then the clerk asked:

- Then why are you dressed like the fire chief?

A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.

- Davy, what noise does a cow make?

- It goes moo.

- Alice, what noise does a cat make?

- It goes meow.

- Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?

- It goes baaa.

- Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?

- Errr.., it goes.. click!

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him:

- Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!

- Hell - said Herman.

- It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!