Most viewed jokes

- Camper: Look at that bunch of cows.

- Farmer: Not bunch, herd.

- Camper: Heard what?

- Farmer: Of cows.

- Camper: Sure I've heard of cows.

- Farmer: No, I mean a cowherd.

- Camper: So what? I have no secrets from cows!

10 Things People Around the World Learn About Americans by Watching Baywatch

1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow motion along the beach.
2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.
3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies, except from cancer.
4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of any importance.
5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil.
6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshipped via close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen seconds per hour.
7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.
8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and lasts no longer than two minutes.
9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes.
10. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff.

The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish. He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night stand. But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one.

- I can't help feeling that we've met before - he said.

- Yeah, I know - sighed the girl, stretching. It happens to me a lot. I think they call this 'deja screw'.

Paddy Murphy had just returned to Ireland from a holiday in Australia.

His mate asked him what it was like.

- Australia's a great place! - Paddy replied.

- First they take you home and fill you so full of piss you can't stand up. Then, to top it off, they let you fuck their women whenever you want.

- Is that right? - said his mate very impressed.

- I always heard Australians were real pricks.

- Well - said Paddy.

- Only the white ones!

- Dentist: Would you help me out? I'd like you to give a few of your loudest screams.

- Patient: Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time.

- Dentist: Well, there are about 20 people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the five o'clock Braves game on Channel 4.

What is the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?
→ Prince Charles' (ex)wife was killed by a white man in a black car.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June - Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

- Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out.

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

- Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice:

- I do.

Then, he leaned toward the pastor and hissed:

- I thought we had a deal.

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back:

- She made me a much better offer.

A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!" Several men stood up as the lights came on. An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a good, Jewish girl?"

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees.

After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left ajar. She peeks in and sees 3 golf balls and $6,000.

She confronts her mate with her findings, and asks for an explanation. He explains:

- Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer.

She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad. But what about the $6,000? He explains:

- Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold 'em!