An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."
What's the best thing about a blow job?
→ The 15 minutes of silence!
Weill and Mahoney had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.
Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, and the business failed. Weill and Mahoney blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms. Five years later, Weill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Weill looked up and gasped.
- Mahoney! - he said, shaking his head.
- It's a terrible thing, seeing you working as a waiter in a place like this.
- Yeah - Mahoney said, curling his lip.
- But I don't eat here.
Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's backside.... Madam, PLEASE don't stand near the elephant's backside ... MADAM ... MADAM ..., too late; George, dig her out."
What's the most active muscle in a woman?
→ The penis.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
One day there was a family driving in the car to Michigan to visit their relatives. They were looking for the street they had to turn on to get to their relatives house. They accedently turned on the wrong street so they had to pull in a driveway and turn around. When they pulled into the driveway the girl asked her mother "Why dont these people have electricity?" Very confused the mother said, "Wut are u talking about?" The girl quickly replied, "Well, the sign back there said NO OUTLET!"
This chick walks into a doctor's office and the nurse tells her to take off her clothes and that the doctor will be with her in a minute, so she does. The doctor walks in and take off his coat and starts to feel between her thighs. He asks:
- do you know what I'm doing now
and she replies:
- you're checking for menopause
and he says:
- very good.
Then he starts feeling her tits and he asks her:
- do you know what I'm doing now
and she says:
- checking for breast cancer
and he says:
- very good.
Then he jumps on her and starts rooting her and asks if she knows what he's doing now and she replies:
- contracting genital herpes cause that's why I came to see you
When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare, his condition could be corrected by minor surgery. The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.
- How long will he be on crutches? - she asked.
- Crutches??? - the doctor asked.
- Well, yes - the woman said.
- You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?
What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
→ When you see teeth marks.
