Most viewed jokes

What do you call a man with his right hand in a sharks mouth?
→ Lefty.

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"!

This woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asks:

- What for?

She says:

- I want to kill my husband.

He says:

- Sorry, I can't do that.

She then reaches inter her handbag a pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.

He says:

- You didn't tell me you had a prescription...

Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
→ It saves time in the long run.

Why'd the monkey fall outta the tree?
→ 'cause he was dead...

Why'd the other monkey fall outta the tree?
→ 'cause he was dead too...

Why'd the third monkey fall outta the tree?
→ peer pressure...

A survey of home burglars' work preferences published in Whittle Communications' Special Report magazine revealed that 32 percent like to browse through family photographs while on the job, 27 percent like to raid the refrigerator, and 7 percent watch TV.

Seventy percent of the 191 imprisoned burglars reported they like to limit their jobs to a 20-minute maximum, 17 percent wondered what their victims were like, and 59 percent said a dog in the home was the most effective burglary deterrent.

An aging hooker volunteered to give the novice a few tips on the art of fellatio. Satisfied that she had perfected the basics, the old pro asked the beginner if she had any questions.

- Well yeah. I was wondering how long dicks should be sucked.

- The same as the short ones, honey.

A man walks into a jewellers shop, unzips his trousers and places his tool upon the counter. The lady serving says: "I'm sorry Sir, this is a clock shop not a cock shop." "Well, put two hands and a face on this." replies the man.

- I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. - Ed Bluestone

- Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron. - George Carlin

- You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneris

- Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - Billiam Coronel

- I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. - Dave Edison

- Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. - Steve Bluestone

- I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

What is a worm's favorite band?
→ Mud!