For all animal lovers out there:
How do you make a cat go 'woof'?
→ Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire. and...
How do you make a dog go 'miaow'?
→ Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw...
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him:
- What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said:
- A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said:
- Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.
The Lawyer said:
- Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel:
- Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter:
- Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one:
- Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?
So the first man replies:
- Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.
- That sounds like a pretty bad day to me - said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
- It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here.
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
- Picture this - says the third man.
- I'm hiding inside a refrigerator...
Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
- What happened to you feet? - his wife asked.
- I had a childhood disease called tolio.
- Don't you mean polio?
- No, tolio, it only affects the toes.
He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.
- What happened to your knees? - she asked.
- Well, I also had kneesles.
- Don't you mean measles?
- No, kneesles, it only affects the knees.
When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said...:
- Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!
What did the spider say to the fly?
→ We're getting married do you want to come to the webbing?
What is the insect's favorite game?
→ Cricket!
Michael J. Schmidt, 29, set up a hidden video camera at his home near Superior, Wis., because he had been burglarized several times and thought he could catch the culprits in the act.
The burglars came back and were captured on tape, which Schmidt turned over to the sheriff.
Among the items the burglars took from Schmidt's house was a box containing eight marijuana plants.
Schmidt was charged with misdemeanor drug possession.
What do people do for fun on Halloween?
→ They monsterbate.
A man, being on top of a woman, says after a while:
- Honey, your tits are too small, and your box is too tight.
- Get off my back, dear! - she replies.
A man took his wife to the doctors.
After a short examination the doctor said:
- Your wife's mind has completely gone!
To which the man replied:
- I'm not surprised.
- She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!
A blonde named Vikki decides she wants to try horseback riding one day. So Vikki mounts the horse, taps its butt, and the horse starts to take off at a reasonable speed. She is having fun, and decides she wants to go a little faster, so she kicks the horses butt, and the horse goes just a little faster. All of a sudden Vikki begins to lose her grip on the reigns of the horse and she begins to fall off, she starts screaming but the horse seemingly unoticing its rider continues... Now Vikki is grabbing on the horses mane when she beigns to feel tired and her grip starts to fail. The blond lets go of the horses mane, only to get her foot caught in the saddle. So now she is riding along, the horse unnoticing and Vikki's head is beating against the ground over, and over, and over. She almost loses conscience when the Wal-Mart manager runs out and turns off the horse.
