Most viewed jokes

A guy's fingering his girlfriend.

She says:

- Would you take off your ring? It's hurting me.

He says:

- That's not my ring...

- It's my wristwatch.

The sales girl at the Pink Pussycat boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.

- What are you going to use it for? - she asked.

- None of your business - answered the customer, beet red and throughly offended.

- Calm down, buddy - soothed the salesgirl.

- The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax.

Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

What do you get when you cross an Iraqi and a dog?
→ An Iraqi.

It's Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun decided to go look for a Christmas Tree. They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them. When they finally reach a fine stand of trees, Shaun brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Paddy to look at it:

- Well, Paddy, What do you think?

- Sorry, Shaun, this tree won't do. Let's try another one.

They come upon another nice tree, Shaun brushes it off, and they both look at it:

- How about this one, Paddy?

- Not quite, Shaun. Let's keep looking.

This goes on until nightfall. Both Paddy and Shaun are cold, tired, and hungry:

- Well, Paddy, what do we do now?

- Shaun, I think we should take home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not...

How do Jewish people celebrate Christmas?
→ They all gather around their cash registers and sing "What a Friend We Have In Jesus..."

When should a mouse carry an umbrella?
→ When it's raining cats and dogs!

Who is king of all the mice?
→ Mouse Tse Tung!

A priest is teaching a nun how to swim and the nun says to the priest "Will I really sink if you take your finger out?"

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."