Most viewed jokes

Can a hamburger marry a hot dog?
→ Only if they have a very frank relationship!

What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer?
→ Mice cubes!

Did you hear that Clinton has announced there is a new national bird?
→ The spread eagle.

After years of psychotherapy, John no longer believes he is a grain of wheat. However, one day he and a friend came across a chicken, and John was terrified.

- Why are you so afraid, you're not a grain of wheat after all - his friend asked.

John replied:

- You know it and I know it, but the chicken doesn't know it.

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"

"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--" His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king:

- I brought ten apples.

The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries.

When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked:

- Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?

The second one replied:

- I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!

Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market one day.

They asked how much the cucumbers were. The merchant said that they were 4 for a dollar. The nuns said okay.

The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when there were only three of them.

A nun answered back:

- Well, we could alway eat one.

What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
→ Pack their lunch and send them to work.

What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
→ Introduces themself.
→ Walks home.

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
→ From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
→ Fertilised.

How does a blonde like her eggs?
→ Unfertilised.

What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
→ Opens the car door.

What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
→ Locking the car door.

How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
→ Kick open the car door.

Did you hear about the blonde who was disappointed when she got her driver's license?
→ The instructor gave her an "F" in sex.

Why do blondes like tilt steering?
→ More head room.

Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
→ More leg room.

What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
→ A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
→ In case she locks the keys in her car.

What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
→ It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
→ To turn the blinker off.

What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
→ An Air Bag.

Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
→ Cause she blows the horn!!!!!

Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
→ She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

What is the worst thing about sex with a blond?
→ Bucket seats.

What do Blondes say after sex?
→ Thanks Guys.
→ Are you boys all in the same band/team?
→ Do you guys all play for the Rams?

In September, the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation reported the development of an odor that makes gamblers bet more. In a study in Las Vegas, slot machines outfitted to emit the odor racked up 45 percent more business.

The neurologist who conducted the study predicted that the scent will become widely used in Las Vegas.

You Might Be A Lawyer If....

- You are charging someone for reading these jokes.

- The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.

- You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.

- Your other car is a BMW.

- When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.

- When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.