Most viewed jokes

What is the difference between a Slut and a Bitch?
→ A Slut sleeps with everyone, a bitch sleeps with everyone but you!

Wife comes home to find the old man shagging the dog in the front room. "My God Henry", she screams, "I know you've had other woman but this time you've gone too far!" "You may be right" he says, "I think I'm stuck."

I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she putting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn't let go. I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see anything... I finally decided that I should help. It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag.

A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt.

- Reach up there and find out.

She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said:

- Oh, it's gruesome!

- Aye, it has - replied the Scotsman.

- and if you put your hand back up there, it'll grow some more!

Little Johnny's teacher asked him:

- Johnny, give me a sentence using the words, "bitter end" in it.

Little Johnny thought for a moment and replies:

- Our dog chased our cat and he bitter end.

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.

- This mower work, son? - the preacher asked.

Little Johnny said:

- Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though.

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.

Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house.

- You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough.

- Well - Johnny said - you need to curse at it sometimes.

The preacher was aghast.

- I've not done that in years!

- Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you.

Farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his sheep when the local minister comes walking around the corner.

The minister says:

- My, Farmer Petrovich, you're certainly giving that sheep a beating. You wouldn't do that to your wife, would you?

The farmer says:

- I would if she farted and jumped sideways every time I tried to mount her!

The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue.

- Can I see your license and registration, bub? - the cop inquired.

- But officer, - the fellow started, - I can explain...

- Shut yer trap, bub! - snapped the officer.

- You're going downtown and sit a while till the sarge gets back.

- But, officer, I think you really should know...

- And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!

A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said:

- Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.

- Don't count on it, - shot back the sap in the cell.

- I'm the groom.

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says:

- Vietnam, 1969.

The other hooks his thumb behind him and says:

- Dog shit, 20 feet back.

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger.

The huge guy behind the counter bellows:

- ONE BURGER!

The cook, who's even bigger, screams:

- BUR-GER!

Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and tosses it on the grill.

The old lady says:

- That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!

The counterman says:

- Yeah? You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts!