A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic fart. Trying to save face, she says to the waiter:
- Sir! Please stop that immediately.
- Certainly, madame - replies the waiter with a bow,
- which way was it headed?
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
→ Run like hell cause she's got a grenade in her mouth!
Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was:
- Darling, I've got a big surprise for you - at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room.
- Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise - said the bride.
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
- Hmmmmm - she said softly.
- that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!
- Little boy: Mummy is God a girl or a boy?
- Mummy: Why God is both girl and boy
- Little boy: Mummy is God black or white?
- Mummy: Why God is both black and white
- Little boy: Mummy is God gay or strait?
- Mummy: Why God is both gay and strait
- Little boy: Mummy is God Michael Jackson?
A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years.
They had the following conversation:
- Dr.: Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water.
- Woman: Ok.
- Dr.: Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water.
- Woman: Ok.
- Dr.: Take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water.
After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, "Can you tell me what's wrong with me Dr.?"
- Dr.: Yeah. You do not drink enough water.
A decorated war veteran, fresh off the bus, is looking for a place to stay. He hears that room and board is available from the three old spinsters at the edge of town, but is advised they are very picky in letting strangers stay there. He decides to chance it, and limps on up to the front door.
His knock is answered by Gladys. she asks him:
- What do you want, sonny?
- Ma'am, I'm just looking for a hot meal and a room for the night - he answers.
The other two old spinsters gather around the door.
- Who's out there? Does he look decent? - they ask.
Gladys says:
- It's a soldier, and he's got a Purple Heart on.
The other two spinsters giggle and say:
- The hell with what color it is...let him in!
Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good Die Young.
What's the difference between American and Serbian pilots?
→ American pilots break ground and fly into the wind!
yo mama's o fat she supplies 99% of British gas.
