Most viewed jokes

A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi were fishing from a boat not from the lake shore. The pastor had to make a trip to the port-a-potty located on the shore, so he got out of the boat, walked across the water and in the same matter, came back to the boat after he was finished. A little later, the priest had to make the trip also. He got out of the boat, walked across the water, visited the bathroom and in the same manner, came back to the boat. Still later, the rabbi needed to go ashore. He got out of the boat and immediately sank. The pastor looked at the priest and said, "Do you think we ought to tell him where the rocks are?"

In a London, England cemetery:

Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

- What are you doing? - She asked.

- Hunting Flies - He responded.

- Oh. Killing any? - She asked.

- Yep, 3 males, 2 Females - he replied.

Intrigued, she asked:

- How can you tell?

He responded:

- 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

Why couldn't the blond pass her drivers test?
→ Every time the car stopped she jumped in the backseat.

Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping?
→ Scared the hell out of the dog.

December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5 Grind lenses for new eyeglasses.

December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7 Debug Windows '98

December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11 Lay Faberge egg.

December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17 Blow glass Christmas tree ornaments. Cut tree in Montana.

December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Scent manger with homemade potpourri.

December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 28 Say it is good. Rest for five minutes.

December 29 Dig up sand from quarry and make new chips for my four computers.

December 30 Float wicks in 4000 dishes of oil, place on lawn, and spell out Happy New Year as a greeting to my friends on the MIR space station.

December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call one friend in each time zone of the world as the calendar changes.

January 1 Stay out of jail.

Three Muslims died and went to Heaven. When they approached the gate, St. Peter said:

- Sorry, only Christians are allowed in Heaven.

The Muslims said:

- But we are good Christians!

St. Peter replied:

- Okay, if you're good Christians then tell me what is Easter?

The first Muslim went up to St. Peter and said:

- I know! I'm a good Christian! Easter was when the Jesus man dressed up in a white bunny suit and hopped around delivering eggs to children!

St. Peter shook his head, and said:

- Next!

The second Muslim guy then came up and said:

- I know! I'm a good Christian! Easter was when the Jesus man dressed up in a red and white suit and flied around delivering presents to good children!

St. Peter sighed, and said:

- Next!

So the last Muslim guy comes up to old St. Peter and says:

- Oh, I know! I'm a good Christian! Easter was when the Jesus man died on the cross for the people, and they buried him in a cave. After three days the Jesus man got up, went out of the cave, saw his shadow, and there was 6 more weeks of winter!

I went into your house, took a booger of the wall and yo mamma told me not to touch the family portrait.

YO MAMMA'S SO FAT:

- she was mistaken for god's bowling ball.

- when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up

- she had to go to Sea World to get babtised

- she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth

- her favorite dress is a tent

- she left home with highheels and came back with flip-flops

- she has to iron her pants on the driveway

- she needs a building permit for her girdle

- she needs a hula-hoop for a belly button ear ring

- she puts on tampons with a bazooka

- she has to put lipstick on with a paint roller

- she had to get her ears pierced with a harpoon

- she sat on a rainbow and Skittles came out

- she sat on a quarter and got 2 dimes and a nickel

- she rolled over 4 quarters and made it a dollar

- when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington's nose

- the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs

Is there a mouse in the house?
→ No, but there's a moose on the loose!

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?"

He answered no to the question.

The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was "why?" Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it "Never got caught."