Most viewed jokes

- I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

- They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off. - Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

- The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep. - Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

- We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees. - Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

- I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president. - Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

- When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. - Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

- It's like deja vu all over again. - Yogi Berra

- China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese - Former French President Charles De Gaulle

- The loss of life will be irreplaceable. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake

- That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it. - A congressional candidate in Texas

- It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody. - Richard M. Nixon

- The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet. - Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

- When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

- Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. - Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

- A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money. - Everett Dirksen

- A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. - Samuel Goldwyn

- Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values

- I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves. - John Wayne

- Half this game is ninety percent mental. - Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

- It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

- Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind. - General William Westmoreland

- What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"

- If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet. - Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

- I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

- I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

Most dentists chairs go up and down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought:

- This is unusual.

The dentist said to me:

- Mr. Owens, get out of the filing cabinet.

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies:

- Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?

The doctor answered:

- Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain.

- I know, but can't you give me some idea? - she asks.

- Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little...

- Like this?

- A little more...

- Like this?

- No. A little more...

- Like this?

- Yes. Does that hurt?

- A little bit.

- Now stretch it over your head!

Three little old ladies, sitting on a park bench.

The town flasher comes by and shows them his ALL!

The first little old lady had a huge stroke. The second little old lady had a little stroke. The third little old lady would have had a stroke................ but her arms weren't quite long enough.

Two storks on a nest, a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him.

- Don't worry Son, your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy.

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job.

- Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies.

A few days later, the stork parents are desperate, their son is gone from the nest all night. Finally, shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask their son where he had been all night.

Says the baby stork:

- Awww, just scaring the shit out of college kids!

What do you give the paedophile who has everything?
→ Another parish

A whole gaggle of Jewish ladies at a party were discussing the problem of one of their daughters, who looked very much as though she were planning to marry a Gentile boy. Everyone was disturbed about it, and I could not help interrupting.

- Why not? - said I. Let her marry a Gentile boy. I'm all in favor of Jewish girls marrying Gentile boys.

- Why? - chorused the women.

And I said:

- Because why should the Jewish boys have all the bad luck?

Telegram received from ex-employee:"Fuck you. I quit. Strong message to follow."

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told:

- You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.

The frog says:

- This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?

- No - says the psychic.

- Next semester in her biology class.

Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent!
Yo mama so dark she spits chocolate milk!
Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent.
Yo mama so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.
Yo mama so dark she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls to keep from eating her fingers.