Most viewed jokes

Did you hear about that guy who was tap dancing?
→ He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

English: This is your Captain speaking, we have leveled off and are cruising at flight level three five zero, feel free to move about the cabin, also the First Officer has turned off the no smoking sign, the flight attendants will be serving cocktails and refreshments momentarily, so just sit back and enjoy the rest of the flight, we'll be arriving at our destination in 20 minutes, and I expect no delays. Enjoy the rest of your flight.

Ebonics: Ebonia Airlines Dis be yo' main man, we be chillin at tray-five -o, if you be flexin get up off yo ass and shake that thang, my homey be killin the man's opression if you wanna smoke chronic, just hang loose blood, them bitches be cruizin on up with some forty-ounce 8-ball, so stop trippin and sit your ass back down, we be in the hood in no time afterall, i be bumpin switches all da' way. Peace out!

The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.

It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any knickers under her dress. Without even thinking, he just blurted out:

- If that thing was full of ice cream, I'd eat every bite.

Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.

The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted. The wife became hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he didn't go down to the shop and punch the rude salesman right in the nose.

- Well - the husband replied - There are three reasons I won't punch that guy in the nose. First of all, you shouldn't have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole wardrobe full of them. Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no knickers on. But most of all, I'm not going to punch anyone who's big enough to eat that much ice cream!

Two guys are on duty at a french foreign legion fort. One says to the other one:

- See that camel over there? I'll bet you I can make him jump 30 feet in the air.

The other guy says:

- No way.

The first guy walks around to the back of the camel with two bricks, reaches in between the camel's legs and crashes the bricks together. The camel jumps 30 feet in the air.

A couple of days later the first guy says to the second guy:

- I bet you I can make that camel nod his head yes, then shake his head no.

The second guy says:

- You got me last time, but there's no way you can make that dumb animal nod his head yes then shake it no.

The first guy takes the same two bricks, walks around to the front of the camel, holds up the bricks and says:

- Remember what I did last time? (Camel nods).

- Want me to do it again?

Why does Clinton were underwear? To keep his ankles warm!

A girl sat sobbing in the police station.

- I was raped by an Italian - she wailed.

- How do you know it was an Italian? - the detective asked.

- I had to help him - the girl replied.

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:

- Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?

The man below says:

- Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.

- You must work in Technical Support - says the balloonist.

- I do - replies the man.

- How did you know?

- Well - says the balloonist.

- everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless.

The man below says:

- You must be in management.

- I am - replies the balloonist.

- but how did you know?

- Well - says the man.

- you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault.

San Francisco police arrested Russell C. Sultan in July and charged him with attempting to extort $23,000 from his mother and girlfriend by claiming to have been kidnapped for ransom.

After tracing telephone calls, police, guns drawn, burst into a motel room to find Sultan casually eating fried chicken and watching a 49ers football game.

Sultan said the kidnappers had merely left him alone for a while, and exclaimed to the officers:

- What took you so long?

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says:

- I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!

- Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive.

- I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?

- Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are.

- I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!

- Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!

The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality:

- In moments of temptation, ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame? - said the speaker to the class.

A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask:

- How do you make it last an hour?