Most viewed jokes

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked execpt for a lemon between her legs. The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his dick.

The wife gave him a wierd look and then the husband replied:

- If your going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator.

• Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link -Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995
• Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us -Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
• Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut -The New York Times, November 22
• Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find -The Los Angeles Times, November 2
• "Light" meals are lower in fat, calories -Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
• Alcohol ads promote drinking -The Hartford Courant, November 18
• Malls try to attract shoppers -The Baltimore Sun, October 22
• Official: Only rain will cure drought -The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
• Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men -The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
• Low Wages Said Key to Poverty -Newsday, July 11
• Man shoots neighbor with machete -The Miami Herald, July 3
• Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes -The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
• Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows -The New York Times, March 10
• Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies -The Los Angeles Times, March 2
• Scientists see quakes in L.A. future -The Oregonian, January 28
• Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning -The Buffalo News, February 26
• Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold -Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
• Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer -Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25
• Economist uses theory to explain economy -Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8
• Bible church's focus is the Bible -Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994
• Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons -Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6
• Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity -The Chicago Tribune, March 5
• Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear -Journal of Commerce, April 20
• Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person -The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2
• Lack of brains hinders research -The Columbus Dispatch, April 16
• Cement Supplies seen as adequate -The Bangkok Post, January 28
• How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hay -Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5
• Fish lurk in streams -Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29
• Dole loses debate by not winning -Some newspaper

What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
→ A dirty kid!

The Los Angeles Department of Water and Power (DWP) was ordered to pay $333,000 in penalties to Inyo County because DWP's property tax payment arrived late -- after having been sent back for $3.40 in additional postage.

While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file.

He said it said:

- File not found.

I told him to do a dir.

I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.

He said:

- Well it says autoexec, then there's some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat.

I said type this in "type autoexec.bat".

Again he got "File not found".

I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed.

He said:

- I typed just what you told me: 'type autoexecdotbat'.

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
11. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
12. The six front keys have rotted out.
13. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
14. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
15. The password is "Huntin".
16. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
17. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
18. The keyboard is camouflaged.
19. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

President Clinton and his wife are at the first baseball game of the season. At the start of the game the pitcher comes up in the stands and whispers something in Clinton's ear. All of a sudden Clinton looks at Hillary and yells, "Okay, Hillary, GET OUT!". She looks surprised but leaves. The pitcher looks at Clinton and says, "No, I said to throw out the first PITCH!"

A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in room 27. She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him No, the room is empty. "Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked:

- Grandpa, are you going to take that new Viagra?

Grandpa looks at him and says:

- No Johnny, I will not.

- But Grandpa, why? - asks little Johnny.

Grandpa replies:

- Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to.

A man was looking for a cheap prostitute in a brothel.

He went up to the pimp, and asked him what he had. The pimp showed him a blonde whore for $50, but she was far too expensive. The pimp then showed him a brunette for $10, but she was also too expensive. Finally the pimp showed him a whore for $1, who happened to have her legs open ready. The man agreed, but the pimp said he must wear a black condom. So the man wore the condom and bonked his heart out and had the time of his life. He enjoyed it so much he went back the next day for the same $1 whore, and again had to wear a black condom.

Again the prostitute had her legs open ready. When he went the day after, he asked the pimp why he must wear a black condom? The pimp told him:

- To show respect for the dead.