A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant! She is furious. Here just became the senator of New York and this has happened to her. She gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:
- How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have you got to say???
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again:
- Did you hear me??!!
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says:
- Who is this?
A man walks into a shoe store... ...and tries on a pair of shoes.
- How do they feel? - asks the sales clerk.
- Well ... they feel a bit tight. - replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the man's feet.
- Try pulling the tongue out. - offers the clerk.
- Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth. - He says.
The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was empty. When he confronted his wife, she simply said:
- It's my turn.
- What do you mean, your turn? - yelled the husband.
- In bed - she explained - you've been making early withdrawals for years. Now, it's my turn.
She was so blond, she thought Boys II Men was a daycare center.
My brother-in-law went to the doctor complaining of a very difficult time achieving an orgasm.
The Dr said "which position do you use?"
"Doggy style," said dumb shit.
"why don't you go home and tonight try it missionary position and see if that works any better." said the Dr.
"We've tryed that" he said, "but my dogs got such baaadddd breath!"
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
- Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!! - he whined.
- You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!! - retorted the officer.
- You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!
- Oh no! - replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.
- Where's my Rolex???!!!
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says:
- Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions.
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks:
- What is your occupation?
The woman replies:
- I'm a whore.
The accountant balks and says:
- No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that.
The woman:
- Ok, I'm a prostitute.
- No, that is still too crude. Try again.
They both think for a minute, then the woman states:
- I'm a chicken farmer.
The accountant asks:
- What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?
- Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.
A little girl asks her father:
- Where do little girls come from?
The father says:
- They come from a hard-on.
The little girl then asks her father:
- Where does a hard-on come from?
The father says:
- Little girls!
A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that says:
- Get gas and free sex here.
So obviously the guy was interested, so he stopped, filled up, and went inside to pay.
- Pick a number from 1 - 10 to get free sex - said the cashier.
- Uh, okay, 3! - the man replied.
- Nope! Sorry, play again.
So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at the same place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he was really ticked:
- This has got to be rigged! I have never gotten the number to have free sex! - He screamed.
- Oh no! It's not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3 times last week alone!
