Most viewed jokes

A little girl asked her father:

- Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?

And he replied:

- No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'

BUY YUGO WAR BONDS

For $25 US dollars you can invest in the future of a developing country just out of the clutches of communism.

What your $$$ buyz: Russian ammo for one freedom fighter for one month for the ethnic clensing!

Their motto: I wanns be like Ike! A little behind the times, BUT!

They model themselves after the US of A. They want to establish a land- first ridding themselves of undesireables (like the US did against the native inhabitants) Why not? What's good enough for US is good enuff for them!

A guy approaches a prostitute on the street and asks her, "how much?" she replies, "$100 if I lay down and $75 if I stand up." He asks what the difference is, and she tells him, "it's my hairdresser's fee!"

A Jewish guy in a London hotel calls the operator and asks, in broken English with a heavy Lithuanian-Yiddish accent, for number 266418. A short time later, someone knocks, and when he opens the door he sees 2 beautiful and sexy girls who asked him: Have you ordered 2 shikses for one night?

Two Polish guys went away on their annual hunting expedition, and by accident one was shot by the other. His worried companion got him out of the deep woods, into the car, and off to the nearest hospital.

- Well, Doc - he inquired anxiously - is he going to make it?

- It's tough - said the doctor.

- He'd have a better chance if you hadn't gutted him first.

Why was the frog down in the mouth?
→ He was un hoppy!

The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate.

At one point she wailed:

- Oh no, NOW what do I do ? It just rang up sixty-four thousand, five hundered seventy four dollars in sales tax on a ten-dollar sale !

Suprisingly, the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay.

Some even chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the front of the line that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register: WE ARE CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL OF THE STORE---WE APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE.

Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.

St. Peter asked the girls:

- Before entering you must answer this simple question.

- Which is ...? - they replied in unison.

- Have you been a good girl? - he asked the first girl.

- Oh yes - she said.

- I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married.

- Very good - said St. Peter.

- Angel, give this girl ... the golden key.

- Have you been a good girl? - he asked the second girl.

- Oh, quite good - she said.

- I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married.

- Very good - said St. Peter.

- Angel, give this girl ... the silver key.

- Have you been a good girl? - he asked the third girl.

- Oh no, not at all - she said.

- I practically had sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime.

- Very good - said St. Peter.

- Angel, give this girl ... my room key.

Six stages of married life:

1. Tri-weekly
2. Try weekly
3. Try weakly
4. Try oysters
5. Try anything
6. Try to remember

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another:

- Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?

The other replied:

- Yes I am, I married the wrong man.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father:

- Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?

And the father replied:

- I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Then there was a man who said:

- I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband:

- You know, I was a fool when I married you.

And the husband replied:

- Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:

- Wife wanted

Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:

- You can have mine.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

How do most men define marriage?
→ A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.