Most viewed jokes

Man goes to see the Rabbi.

- Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.

The Rabbi asked:

- What's wrong?

The man replied:

- My wife is poisoning me.

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks:

- How can that be?

The man then pleads:

- I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?

The Rabbi then offers:

- Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says:

- Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?

The man anxiously says:

- Yes.

- Take the poison - says the Rabbi.

What goes: Clip Clop Clip Clop BANG Clipidy Clop Clipidy Clop?
→ An Amish drive-by shooting.

Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old:

- Okay, you say 'ass' and I'll say 'hell'.

All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.

- Aw, hell - says the eight-year-old, gimme some Cheerios.

His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother:

- What'll you have?

- I dunno - quavers the six-year-old, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios.

Why were the flies playing football in saucer?
→ They where playing for the cup!

How can you tell when your girlfriend's horny?
→ You stick your hands in her panties and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

A fellow's wife was very worried about her husband's heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub. It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from behind a headstone.

- Ooooooo! - she wailed - I am the Devil!

He sticks out his hand...

- Put it there, pal - he says - I am married to your sister.

A couple just moved into hotel. And the hotel clerk asks the man after helping him with his luggage.

- Anything else?

- NO, thanks.

- Maybe, your wife needs something?

- Oh, yeah. Thank you for your reminder. Do you sell greeting cards?

What's long and hard that a Greek bride gets on her wedding night?
→ A new last name.

What did the maggot say to his friend when he got stuck in an apple?
→ Worm your way out of that one!

I work as a systems administrator, and part of my job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them:

Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute "furniture store" if you don't know what "Ikea" is). You get a phone call that goes like this.

- Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table.

- You: That's fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm sure you can find one you like.

- Customer: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.

- You: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.

- Customer: OK, how can I get it back to my house?

- You: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don't have one.

- Customer: But how do get there?

- You: We're just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?

- Customer: Wait, wait, you're going way too fast for me. I have a Ford in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?

And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:

- Customer: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so COMPLICATED!