Most viewed jokes

- Doctor, I need your help. My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?

- Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?

- Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've got to help me!

- Er... Why don't you take a lover?

- I have! I still don't get enough.

- Take another lover.

- I did. In fact, I have eight lovers, and I still don't get enough sex!

- Gosh, that's an anomaly.

- Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me I'm a whore!

What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?
→ An infected pussy on your organ.

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained:

- Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control.

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied:

- Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses.

Two mountain bred GIs were wandering the streets of calcutta when an old woman walked by. "Hey, Billy Joe," one said, "I think that's Mother Teresa." "Your nuts." "I'm telling you."

They approached the woman and one asked, "Are you Mother Teresa?" The old lady eyed them scornfully. "Fuck off, you goddamn perverts," she hissed, striding off. "Jeez," Billy Joe said, watching her disappear into the crowd, "now we'll never know."

I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning." "What is she doing?" the pal asks. "Waiting for me to get home."

What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
→ Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.

The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.

- Are you hurt? - he asked.

- Of course I'm hurt! - she replied.

- Three times around and you didn't wave once!

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

- Hurry - she said.

- Stand in the corner.

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

- Don't move until I tell you to. - she whispered.

- Just pretend you're a statue.

- What's this, honey? - the husband asked as he entered the room.

- Oh, it's just a statue. - she replied nonchalantly.

- The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us too.

No more was said about the "statue."

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

- Here. - he said to the 'statue.'

- Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.

Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer

- Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

- It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

- In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

- It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

- The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

- Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

- The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

- The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

- The only chip inside is a Dorito.

- You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear?"

It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer.

The question is, while watching the movie, for whom do you root?