Most viewed jokes

There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and nextmorning found out that she was six months pregnant.

What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little boy after luring him into his car?
→ Hey, go easy on those fucking sweets.

What do you do when a Rottweiler gets amorous on your leg?
→ Fake an orgasm.

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says:

- Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?

GOD replied:

- Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create.

So Adam says:

- When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?

- I did that, Adam, so that you could love her.

- Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?

- I did that Adam so that you could love her.

- Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?

- Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you

What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python?
→ A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death!

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
→ Put the remote control between his toes.

The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if he was sick as he looked absolutely terrible.

"Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."

"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."

"I see," chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this."

The Director of the Scottish Tartans Museum, Dr Michael MacDonald was in America. An old lady fixed her gaze on his 17th Century sporran and asked, "What, exactly, do you keep in your scrotum?"

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says:

- Father, I never wears panties under my habit.

The priest chuckles and says:

- That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.

One balmy evening in Rome the Pope decides to take a walk.

He slips out the rear door of the Vatican and is walking through the back alleys of Rome when he sees a ten-year-old boy smoking a cigarette. The Pope gently says to him:

- Young man, you're much too young to smoke!

The kid looks up at the Pope and says:

- Fuck you!

The Pope is completely taken aback.

- What? - he says.

- You say that to me, the Pontiff, the Vicar of Christ, the head of the Roman Catholic Church? I am the spiritual leader for millions of people, young man, the representative of God, and you dare to say that to me? No, no, no, kid, fuck YOU!