Most viewed jokes

Why do seagulls live by the sea?
→ Because if they lived by the bay, they would be called baygulls! (baygull-bagel. ha ha ha.)

Where do religious school children practice sports?
→ In the prayground!

How did the basketball court get wet?
→ The players dribbled all over it!

Why did the chicken get sent off?
→ For persistent fowl play!

Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?
→ It was a cup draw!

Where do football directors go when they are fed up?
→ The bored room!

A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club.
"Were the crowd not behind you?" asked the reporter.
"They were right behind me all right," said the manager, "But I managed to shake them off at the station!"

Why was the struggling manager seen shaking the club cat?
→ To see if there was any more money in the kitty!

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

- The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

- The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

- The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

- The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

- The Interior Designer - who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

- The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

- The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant:

- take another drink!

The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant:

- take another drink!

The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs into him and kills him.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the bartender in disbelief and asks:

- How can you be so cold and callous?

The bartender says:

- That boy should have quit while he was a head.

"Why do you look so glum today?", the teacher asked young Johnny. "I didn't have no breakfast," Johnny mumbled. "You poor dear," said the teacher. "Now, to return to our geography lesson, Johnny, where is the French border?" "In bed with my mom. That's why I didn't have no breakfast."

How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van?
→ Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.

While driving down the road the motorist saw a roadside stand which had a fortune teller sitting under an umbrella. She was just sitting there smiling and laughing. The motorist passed on by and went a couple of miles on down the road. All of a sudden he spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune teller. As he got closer to the still laughing fortune teller he began to slow down. He pulled up next to the woman and jumped out of his car and suddenly began slapping and beating her.

A policeman passing by screeched to a stop and wrestled the man to the ground. After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him:

- What do you think you're doing?

After a moment the man replied:

- ... Well, I've always wanted to strike a happy medium.

The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said:

- I have to go back to the office - I forgot to lock the safe!

The other partner replied:

- What are you worried about? We're both here.

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says with anticipated agony, "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies: "Well make up your mind. I have to adjust the chair."

This fellow comes to confession. Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned.

The priest asked:

- What did you do, my son?

The fellow replied:

- I lusted.

The priest said:

- Tell me about it.

The fellow then related his story:

- Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in.

The priest asked:

- And, what did you do, my son?

The man replied:

- Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted.

The priest replied:

- Your sin has been forgiven.

- You will get your reward in heaven, my son.

The fellow asked:

- A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?

The priest replied:

- I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass.