Most viewed jokes

Fred's class was taken to the Natural History Museum in New York.

- Did you enjoy yourself? - asked her mother when she got home.

- Oh, yes - replied Fred - But it was funny going to a dead zoo.

Whats the world weakest animal?
→ A toad, he croaks if you even touch him!

ODE TO A SPELL CHECKER
by Jerrold H Zar

I have a spelling checker.
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too be a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checker's
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid to wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
it does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should bee proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too pleas.

Sauer and Tolbert went to the zoo and watched in awe as a lion let loose with a spine-tingling roar.

- Let's get out of here! - said Sauer.

- Go on, if'n you want to - said the other redneck - But Ah'm stayin' for the whole movie!

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it -If not... "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke!"

Why are spiders good swimmers?
→ They have webbed feet!

NO ZAMBODIANS, PLEASE: Judge Rules Out Prince Mongo's Costume

MEMPHIS, Tenn. - A judge has ruled that a defendant can't show up for trial wearing fur, bones, goggles and pale green body paint, even if he is from the planet Zambodia.

But an attorney for the man who calls himself Prince Mongo wants to make a federal case out of his client's 10-day jail sentence for contempt of court. Slug PM-Prince Mongo. New, may stand. Federal court hearing starts at 1 p.m. EDT.

A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available. Madam:

- On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers.... they...

- Man: Say no more! Lead me to the third floor.

- Madam: Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses.

- Man: It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it.

La Machine....vegetables...vvrrrrr...

La Machine....fruits...vvrrrrr...

La Machine....little children...

No mommy, No!...vvrrrrr...

La Machine.

This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children.

I'll never forget that game of cards...