Most viewed jokes

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says:

- 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.

The small guy faints.

The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy:

- What's wrong with you?

The small guy says:

- Excuse me, but what did you say?

The big dude looks down and says:

- 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.

The small guy says:

- Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'.

What did the maggot say to another?
→ What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this!

A woman enters a butcher shop and asks the counter assistant:

- Do you have pigs ears?

The counter assistant replies:

- No, its just the way my hair is parted!

Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper. "Gladly," responded the good man. When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the "appreciation" column. There he read: "The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."

Sarah was a curious thirteen year old girl. "Mommy," she said, "I'd like you to answer one question." "Very good," replied her mother, "I was wondering when you would become curious about birds, flowers and bees." "It's not that," said the girl. "I know all about screwing. What I would like to know is how to make lasagna."

A teacher said to her little student Suzy:

- Punctuate the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry.

Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply:

- Let's see. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry!!!

Little Johnny goes into a pharmacy and asks the chemist for some rubbers.

The chemist puts a pack of rubbers on the counter. Johnny looks at the rubbers and asks the chemist if he has any other kind. The chemist goes into the back and brings out another pack.

- Nah - says Johnny - what else do you have?

- Well - the chemist replies - the only other kind that I have are the ones with all the bumps and ridges on them. Do you know what these will do to a woman?

Little Johnny says:

- No... but they'll make a goat jump about two feet off of the ground!

Where do you find giant snails?
→ At the end of giants fingers!

A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said:

- How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?

- No, ma'am - explained the officer - it's your foot.

Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good, I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, He'll have the fish," Hillary replies.