Most viewed jokes

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically:

- What's the matter?

The blonde replies:

- Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.

- I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.

The blonde very calmly explains:

- No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual.

- If you need anything, just let me know - he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks:

- Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?

- No - replies the blonde.

- I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!

John looked up to see his mother-in-law walking toward the front door carrying a broom. "Tell me," he said to her, "are you going to clean house with it or fly away on it?"

Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said:

- Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.

The wife thought that might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.

This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him:

- It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state:

- I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!

A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist.

- My life is a mess, doctor - she began.

- I am so fucking hideous that no one will associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?

- Why, certainly! Helping people feel much better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start making you feel more confident about your appearance right here and now.

- Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first? - she asked.

- First things first. Just walk over to the other side of the room and lie face down on my couch.

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says:

- Three million dollars.

The accounts person is startled, and says:

- In what form?

and the little old lady says:

- Cash. I've got it here in this bag...

and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.

Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says:

- Gambling.

- Gambling? - he says.

- What sort of gambling?

- Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money.

- I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!

The little old lady just shook the bag, and said:

- I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?

- Ok, have it your way - said the president, and they shook hands on it.

- See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning - said the little old lady, and with that she left.

Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.

- Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be? - said the president.

- He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?

- No, perfectly understandable - said the president.

- Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win! - he said happily.

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

- Not so fast! - said the little old lady.

- For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants.

- Ok, you win, here's your $100,000 - says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills.

As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

- What's wrong with him? - asks the bank president.

- Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today.

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
→ Data transfer.

yo mama's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles traffic slows down.

What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
→ A mouse organ!

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
4. Problem Severity: A. Minor _ B. Minor _ C. Minor _ D. Trivial _
5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up _ B. Frozen _ C. Hung _ D. Strange Smell _
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes _ No _
7. Is it turned on? Yes _ No _
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes _ No _
9. Have you made it worse? Yes __
10. Have you had a friend who knows all about computers. Try to fix it for you? Yes _ No _
11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __
12. Have you read the manual? Yes _ No _
13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe _ No _
14. Are you absolutely you've read the manual? No __
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes _ No _
16. If Yes, then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.
17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
18. If you answered nothing, then explain why you were logged in?
19. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes _ No _
20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes _ What's a VCR? _
21. Do you have a copy of PCs for Dummies? Yes _ No _
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes _ No _
23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes _ No _
24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes _ No _
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes _ No _
26. Is the machine on fire? Yes _ Not Yet _
27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes __

How do you tell if you are in a gay church?
→ Only half the congregation is kneeling.