Most viewed jokes

Confucious say: "Man who goes to sleep with sex on mind wakes up with solution in hand."

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why had she left her previous employment, she replied, "Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. Last night they played a game called Bridge and a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, 'Lay down and let's see what you've got.' Another man said, 'I've got strength but no length.' Another man says to the lady, 'Take your hand off my trick!'

"I pretty dropped dead just then, when the lady answered, 'You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise.' Another lady was talking about protecting her honor. Another lady said, 'Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine.'

"Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, 'Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber.'"

What language do the Vatican Police speak?
→ Pig Latin!

A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession:

- Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates.

- BASTARD! - cried the Mother Superior.

- For years he told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through one of the many canyons when suddenly rising from the hill on their right are hundreds of indians. They start to spur their horse forward when they realised that there are hundreds of indians ahead of them. Wheeling to the left they, once again, see hundreds of indians rising from the hill. They begin to back away in the direction from which they had come and they realise, they were surrounded. The indians had spread out. They were trapped. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, his life long friend, and says:

- Tonto, my firend, I think I must say that I have treasured our times together but now I think we are doomed.

- We? - replied Tonto - What's all this we, Paleface?

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that "Cheech" the orang-utang was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

In surprise he asked the ape:

- Why are you reading both those books?

- Well, - said the orang-utang.

- I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother.

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dog's owner:

- Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!

- Yes, I'm amazed also - came the reply.

- He hated the book.

What's gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
→ Stalagmice!

In a recent contest in The Washington Post, readers were asked to take an expression using a number, add or subtract one, and create a new definition:

- The Year 2001 Problem: How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year 2000 problem.

- Catch-23: Complete the previous catch before proceeding to this step.

- Fortune 501: Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants.

- Motel 5: If you're not there by midnight, they turn off the light.

- Dressed to the Eights: Impeccably attired with white socks.

- Six Brides for Seven Brothers: Someone's gonna get hurt !

- Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs: The title, before they expelled Gassy.

- Five Eyes: Other kids can be so cruel when you are Siamese twins, and one of you is wearing a monocle.

- 665: The mark on the forehead of Satan's slightly less evil brother, Ralph.

- Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.

- Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.