Most viewed jokes

- Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.

- Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.

A redneck calls up the White House and tells the receptionist:

- I'd like to become the next President of the United States.

- The receptionist: What are you, an idiot?

- Redneck: Why, is it required?

- Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!

- Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?

- Patient: What problem?

- I got this great new hearing aid the other day.

- Are you wearing it now?

- Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it's top of the line.

- What kind is it?

- Twelve-thirty.

A man brings his wife a glass of water and two aspirins. She looks surprised and says:

- I don't have a headache!

He says:

- Aha!

Some of the myths about marriage...

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and says:

- I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.

The husband says:

- WHAT??

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. His wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says:

- But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it.

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says:

- I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.

The husband says:

- No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff.

The wife's face goes blank.

- No honey. I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says:

- You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!

Technology for the Country Folk

What high-tech lingo becomes once it goes north of the Oregon-California border.

- LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.

- LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

- MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove.

- DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk

- MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood

- FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood

- RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood

- HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time

- PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time

- WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside

- SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season

- BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do

- MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag

- MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields

- DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife

- LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps

- KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys

- SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs

- MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn

- MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf

- PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine

- ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all

- RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks

- MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said:

- If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said:

- You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said:

- I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week.

A ventriloquist working down South, is confronted by a theater patron during his show. The hick stands up and yells:

- HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long!

- We're not all stupid ya know!

- Relax - said the ventriloquist.

- They're just jokes!

- Shut up, buddy - the hick replied.

- I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!

Yo mama so dirty she has to creep up on bathwater.
Yo mama so dirty she makes mud look clean.
Yo mama so dirty that she was banned from a sewage facility because of sanitation worries!
Yo mama so dirty that you can't tell where the dirt stops and she begins.

What kind of doctors are like spiders?
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