Most viewed jokes

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.

- My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed - she said.

- What a coincidence! My wife just left me - said the man. She told me that I was too kinky for her, too!

The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex.

When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says:

- Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable.

She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix outfit.

However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.

- What happened? - she said. I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?

He looks at her and says:

- Well, I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse. I'm done.

Two nuns go to a restaurant to have dinner. They notice Rocky Mountain Oysters on the menu and wondered what that was.

They ask the waiter who replies:

- Oh Sister, those are nuts.

She answers:

- Do you mean like the kind you crack with a rock?

- No. The kind you rock on a crack.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says:

- You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!

His buddy looks at him and says:

- Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Hey honey, wanna fool around?' ....and she's always sound asleep.

How do you know a Brigham Young student's been mowing the lawn?
→ The welcome mat is destroyed.

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. He comes running up to his mom and says:

- Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!

The mom says:

- the bigger they are, the dumber they are.

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says:

- Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!

Mom says:

- the bigger they are, the dumber they are.

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says:

- Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!

Should I have a baby after 35?
→ No, 35 children is enough.

A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there, a man in white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves. This happens a second time. The third time this happens, she says:

- Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?

The man replied:

- Don't ask me lady. I'm just a painter!

What do you call a woman who can suck golf balls through a hose?
→ Darling.

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor:

- Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.

- Well, - the doctor replied.

- go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says:

- Honey, what's for dinner?

He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again:

- Honey, what's for dinner?

She replies:

- For the fourth time, vegetable stew!

Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?" "The stork brought you to us." "Oh," said Little Johnny. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too." "So. . . how were grandpa and grandma born?" "Well, darling, the stork brought them too," said the mother. The next day Little Johnny handed in his paper to the teacher. It read, "This report is impossible to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."