Most viewed jokes

- AMEN The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

- BULLETIN Your receipt for attending Mass.

- CHOIR A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

- HYMN A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

- RECESSIONAL HYMN The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

- INCENSE Holy Smoke!

- JUSTICE When kids have kids of their own.

- PEW A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

- RECESSIONAL The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

- RELICS People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

- TEN COMMANDMENTS The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

- USHERS The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX.

- Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?

- Abbott: Yes, that's correct.

- Costello: No, what is it?

- Abbott: Yes.

- Costello: So, which is the one?

- Abbott: No. 'which' is used to find the program.

- Costello: Stop this. Who are you?

- Abbott: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get information about 'yoo'.

- Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?

- Abbott: Use 'what'.

- Costello: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?

- Abbott: No. 'true' gives you 0.

- Costello: Which one?

- Abbott: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'

- Costello: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?

- Abbott: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to get the revision code.

- Costello: I want to find the revision code.

- Abbott: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.

- Costello: Which command will do what I need?

- Abbott: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.

- Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that.

- Abbott: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.

- Costello: Write what?

- Abbott: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.

- Costello: Cut that out!

- Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.

- Costello: Do you always do this?

- Abbott: 'du' will give you disk usage.

- Costello: HELP!

- Abbott: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).

- Costello: You make me angry.

- Abbott: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when I was upset once.

- Costello: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.

- Abbott: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has 'more'.

- Costello: Nice help! I'm confused more now!

- Abbott: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.

- Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC.

- Abbott: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.

- Ma, the results are in. I won the election!

- Honestly?

The politician's smiled faded.

- Aw hell, ma, why bring that up at a time like this?

With a puzzled look on his face an Indian boy asked, "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived," she explained. The Mother Indian paused for a moment then asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

A kid at a sleep-away camp wrote home, "Please send me some food. All they serve here are meals."

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.

The officer wants to ask her a few questions....

- Officer: What's 2+2?

- Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!

- Officer: What's the square root of 100?

- Blonde: Ummmm... 10!

- Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

- Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.

- Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly:

- Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.

The boss called her into his office and said:

- Now look Sharon, Iknow we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expectyou to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.

The boss pressed on:

- Who told you you could come and go as youplease around here ?

Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said:

- ....

- My lawyer.

What's the difference between a rotwieler and a poodle?
→ If a rotwieler starts humping your leg you let it finish.

There was this truck driver who had to deliver 500 penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, his truck breaks down. After about 3 hours, he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him.

The next day the original truck driver arrives in town and sees the new truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him.

The original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks:

- What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!

The new truck driver responds:

- I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie.

A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day.

- Well - said the Scout.

- Mum had only one dose of castor oil left, so I let my baby brother have it.