Most viewed jokes

NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two pigs and Kiki, a stunning blonde. When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off.

Contact is made:

- Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us? Over.

- Oink, oink, here Pig 1, read you loud and clear.

- Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?

- Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon landing. Over.

- That's right. Over and out.

They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage.

- Hello, Pig 2? Come in please.

- Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear.

- OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?

- Yes, when we've landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the green button to initiate the launch program.

- That's right, Pig 2. Over and out.

An hour later, when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the last stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts again.

- Houston here, Kiki, come in. Kiki do you read us?

- Kiki here, reading you loud and clear.

- Kiki, do you remember your instructions?

- Yes - Kiki says - I feed the two pigs and keep my hands off any buttons.

What's the difference between a Northern zoo and a Southern zoo?
→ In a Northern zoo you have the name of the animal and the Latin name underneath. In a Southern zoo you haven the name of the animal and a recipe underneath.

One day there were these three boys walking down the street, all of a sudden they heard a yell: 'HELP! HELP!' When the boys got to the noise they saw Bill Clinton in a lake drowning. The three boys saved him from drowning. Bill Clinton asks the first boy how he could ever repay him. The boy said, 'I want a boat.' The second boy said 'I want a truck.' And the third boy said, 'I want three tombstones with are names all on them.' Bill Clinton said, 'why is that son?' The little boy said, 'because when my Dad finds out that we saved you, he is going to kill us all!'

What the best way to get a guy to stop smoking after sex?
→ Fill his water bed with gasoline.

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and reads:

Dear Wife (that's what he called her), I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him), I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!!!!

A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman. He asks, "Can I have a dozen condoms, Miss?" "Don't Miss me, mister." "Well then, you better make it 13."

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.

The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says:

- Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.

- Because - the man says - I live in a two-story house.

The Judge replies:

- What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?

The man answers:

- Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'

Now I understand what marketing is:You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and tell her:

- I am very good in bed. That is Direct Marketing.

You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her:

- That guy over there is very good in bed. That is Advertising.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone number. The following day you call her and tell her:

- I am very good in bed. That is Telemarketing .

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you approach her and refresh her memory by telling her:

- Do you remember how good I am in bed? That is Customer Relationship Management. You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You get up, fix your tie, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag when it falls and you tell her:

- I am very good in bed. That is Public Relations.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. She approaches you and tells you:

- I heard you are very good in bed. That is BRANDING!!

The owner of a small crossroads store in South Carolina was appointed postmaster. Over six months went by and not one piece of mail left towm. Deeply concerned, postal authorities in Washington wrote the postmaster to inquire why.

They received this short and simple explantion:

- The bag ain't full yet.

What does the snail say when he gets on the turtle?
→ "Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!"