Most viewed jokes

Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead?
→ The blonde - she is eighteen.

James Macdonals and William Shoesmith, both 26, were sentenced to five years in prison for bank robbery. According to his lawyer, Macdonald hated his robbery work and had to drink before each job.

For what was to be the pair's last job, he got fall-down drunk and had to be carried by Shoesmith into the bank to pull off the heist. The two were soon captured.

What's the difference between a Geneologist and a Gynecologist?
→ A Geneologist looks up your family tree, and a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

- Come have a look over here - says Paddy.

- it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.

- That's nothing - says Sean.

- here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died.

Just then, Shamus yells out:

- Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!

- What was his name? - asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims:

- Miles, from Dublin.

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"

Little Johnny is in the bathroom taking a pee when the toilet seat falls down on top of his penis. He starts screaming and crying. His mom comes running into the room wondering what's going on. He tells his mother:

- Mommy, the toilet seat fell on top of my penis. Kiss it better.

- Johnny you are getting more and more like your father everyday. - His mother says.

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.

One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself:

- It's not a ship.

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks:

- It's not a boat.

The speck gets even closer and he thinks:

- It's not a raft.

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says:

- How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?

- Ten years! - he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says:

- Man, oh man! Is that good!

Then she asked:

- How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?

He replies:

- Ten years!

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says:

- Wow, that's fantastic !

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him:

- And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?

And the man replies:

- My God ! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!

The Net is Slow

Oh, the network outside is frightful,
But on campus, it's so delightful,
Our packets have nowhere to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

It doesn't show signs of stopping,
All our packets, our hosts are dropping;
Bandwidth is turned way down low,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

When we finally connect to a site,
It's time to go back to the dorm;
But if I could stay here all night,
I could submit their Web form.

The network is slowly dying,
And, I fear, we're still denying,
But as long as Sprint is the way to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

Why do little girls carry goldfish in their pockets?
→ To smell like big girls.

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.

- How'd you get a cork in your ass?

- I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said: I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish. And I said: No shit.