Most viewed jokes

A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say:

- Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?

- Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore! - announces a proud physician.

- They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history.

So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.

- Doctor, Doctor! - exclaims the man excitedly.

- I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've had sex fourteen times in eight days!

- Well, I'm glad to hear that - says the pleased physician.

- What does your wife think about it?

- Wife? - asks the man.

- I haven't even been home yet!

Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. (The sweetheart got the panties.) Without checking the contents, Jim sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note.

Dearest Darling,
This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas.

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you the first time.

No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have the chance to see you again. When you take them off blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night.

All My Love,
Jimmy

P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the latest style - folded down with the fur showing.

Yo mama house so small that when she orders a large pizza she had to go outside to eat it.
Yo mama house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.
Yo mama house so small you have to go outside to change your mind.

New scientific theoriesGRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on itsfeet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the butteredside facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to theback of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above theground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat array" could replacepneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant buttered-cat arrays"could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking New York with Chicago.

Two retired ladies were on the beach in Miami.

They were discussing the fact that if they go for a swim, someone might steal their cigarettes, but if they take the cigarettes with them, they will get soaked. Then they notice a gorgeous girl walking out of the ocean. She reaches into the top of her swimsuit, pulls out a perfectly dry cigarette and book of matches and lights up. The ladies go up to the girl and ask:

- How do you keep your cigarettes dry?

Her answer:

- I put them inside of a condom.

The women rush to a pharmacy and ask for a condom. When the pharmacist asks:

- What size? - one of the ladies says.

- It should fit a Camel.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ BILL CLINTON: Let me say this one more time. I did not have sexual relations with that chicken.

There's an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home. The old man says to the woman:

- For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget.

The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill. The man says:

- So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?

The woman replies:

- No, I want four times in the rocker.

There is this French couple, sitting up talking, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees. So the father goes to his son's room and says "Son do you remember that session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette ?" "Oh yes papa, I remember very well" says the son. "Well son it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing"

One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senate trial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up on shore. Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and behold a genie popped out.

- Greetings, Miss Lewinsky, - the genie said. - Since you have released me, I will grant you one wish.

- Well, - Monica replied, - I'm going to be on television a lot for a while, and I want to look my best. I wish you would get rid of these love handles.

- Your wish is my command, - said the genie. A wave of his hands, a puff of smoke...

And her ears promptly fell off.

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says:

- Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow.

His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says:

- Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.

His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis:

- Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.