Most viewed jokes

What do you call a nun riding piggyback on the hunchback of Notre Dame?
→ Virgin on the ridiculous.

For their 25th wedding anniversary, a man decides to take his wife on a trip to France. After two weeks touring France, they return to the airport for the trip back to America. While waiting for the plane, the wife turns to her husband and says, "This was the most wonderful gift I could have asked for on our 25th anniversary. I can't wait to hear what you have in mind for our 50th anniversary!" Her husband leaned over, kissed her on the cheek, and said, "I'm going to come back and get you"

My mother is a typical Jewish mother.

Once she was on jury duty. . .

They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend:

- Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life.

- What happened? - asks Birnbaum.

Goldstein moans:

- My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!

- You think you had a bad week? - responds Birnbaum.

- My week was even worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!

- How can you say that your week was worse than mine? - asks Goldstein.

- It was identical!

- You shmuck! - replies Birnbaum.

- I manufacture men's garments...

How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
→ There's white-out on the screen.

How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
→ There's writing on the white-out.

How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
→ She has a checkbook.

How can you tell when a FAX had been sent to a blonde?
→ There is a stamp on it.

How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
→ By the buckle print on her forehead.

How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
→ He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead!

How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
→ She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag)?
→ "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?"

How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
→ By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
→ You only have to punch information into a computer once.

What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
→ You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

What did the blonde think of the new computer?
→ She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....

Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
→ (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
→ Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

How do you kill a blonde?
→ Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

How do blondes pierce their ears?
→ They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Why don't blondes make Jello?
→ They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little boxes.

What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
→ All you can eat, under a buck.

Why don't blondes eat pickles?
→ Because they can't get their head in the jar.

Why don't blondes eat bananas?
→ They can't find the zipper.

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
→ "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

What lights up a football stadium?
→ A football match!

If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?
→ Cornflakes!

Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
→ Because there is no atmosphere!

Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?
→ Webley stadium!

When fish play football, who is the captain?
→ The team's kipper!

- Ref: I'm sending you off.

- Player: What for?

- Ref: The rest of the match!

Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?
→ They tend to go cheep!

What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
→ Beans on post!

A young attorney who had taken over his father's practice rushed home elated one night.

- Dad, listen - he shouted, I've finally settled that old McKinney suit.

- Settled it! - cried his astonished father. Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!

scientists Decode the First Message From an AlienCivilization...

Simply send 6 x 10 to the 50 atoms of Hydrogen to theStar System at the top of the list, cross off that starsystem, then put your Star System at the bottom of thelist and send it to 100 other Star Systems. Withinone-tenth of a Galactic Rotation you will receiveenough hydrogen to power your civilization untilentropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!

What do you get if you put your hand down a psychic's pants?
→ Your palm red once a month.

Did you hear about the call girl who accidentally made two appointments at the same time?
→ She managed to squeeze them both in.