Most viewed jokes

How does an Amish father find his daughter in the field?
→ Pretty good.

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself:

- It's not a ship.

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks:

- It's not a boat.

The speck gets even closer and he thinks:

- It's not a raft.

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says:

- How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?

- Ten years! - he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says:

- Man, oh man! Is that good!

Then she asked:

- How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?

- Ten years! - he replies.

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says:

- Wow, that's fantastic!

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him:

- And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?

And the man replies:

- Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!

Inverness, FLA
71-yearl-old man fell off a dock and into the jaws of an alligator but said his knowledge of reptiles, gained from watching wildlife programs on television, helped him escape.

- I wasn't a bit afraid. I knew what they usually do, - said George Blinn, who got away from the 7-foot gator by jabbing his thumb in its eye.

Blinn said he has long been a fan of such programs as Wild Kingdom and knew about alligators' general behavior.

He got the chance to use that knowledge when he fell into the canal behind his house. Blinn said the alligator bit him on the left hand and then flopped him over in the water three times before Blinn escaped.

The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.

- Exactly where were you at the time of the accident? - inquired the officer.

- Mister - exclaimed the telephone lineman - I was at the top of the pole!

A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin.

- Do you always carry such heavy luggage? - she sighed.

- No more - the man said.

- Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says:

- Make me one with everything.

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.

- Where's my change? - asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds:

- Change must come from within.

It is time to elect a world leader and your vote counts.

Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates.

Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.

Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit affairs.

Which of these candidates is your choice??

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

Have you heard about the new orgasm pill just approved by the FDA for women?

It comes with a 16 inch applicator.

Ventriliquist cowboy walks into town and sees Indian sitting on his porch.

- Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?

- Indian: Dog no talk.

- Cowboy: Hey dog, hows it going?

- Dog: Doin alright.

- Indian: [extreme look of shock]

- Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

- Dog: Yep

- Cowboy: How's he treat you?

- Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.

- Indian: [look of disbelief]

- Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?

- Indian: Horse no talk.

- Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going?

- Horse: Cool.

- Indian: [extremer look of shock]

- Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

- Horse: Yep

- Cowboy: How's he treat you?

- Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

- Indian: [total look of amazement]

- Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?

- Indian: Sheep Lie!!

- Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce? - the solicitor questioned his client.

- Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?

- Oh, no - replied Mrs. O'Connor.

- Shure now, we have a carport.

The solicitor tried again:

- Well, does the man beat you up?

- No, no - said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled.

- I'm always first out of bed.

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again:

- Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?

- Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial.

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on:

- What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have.

- Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.

- Mrs. O'Connor - the solicitor said in considerable exasperation.

- you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?

- Ah, well now - said the lady.

- Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation.