Most viewed jokes

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

- Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!

- Thank you very much for the call, sir.

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house.

- Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?

- Yep.

- Did they chop your firewood?

- Yep.

- Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice:

- sack my cook.

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

A woman gives birth by a Caesarian and passes out. When she comes to her senses, the doctor approaches her bed and says:

- I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems.

- What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless.

- Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs.

- Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless.

- And it hasn't got any arms either.

- What?

- Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In fact, your child is only a very, very big ear.

The woman is in anguish, but she still tells the doctor to bring her her son.

- Sonny, dear, it's me your mother! Do you hear me!?

- There is no need to scream - says the doctor - it's deaf.

A carpet-layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.

He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

- No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes - he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.

- Here - she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes.

- I found them in the hallway.

- Now - she said, if only I could find my parakeet.

A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat.

They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out.

- The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette.

The American frowned:

- Russian roulette's not a very nice game.

The diplomat smiled:

- That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play.

- I'll show you how.

He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in.

- You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex - he told the American.

- That's great - the ambassador said - but it doesn't seem much like Russian roulette.

- Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal.

This guy runs home and bursts in yelling:

- Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!

She says:

- Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?

He replies:

- I don't care...

- Just get the f**k out!

What do you call 500 Natives running on the race track?
→ The Indy 500.

What's the difference between Elvis and a smart blonde?
→ Elvis has been sighted.

A blonde and a brunette are living together. The brunette came home from work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist. The brunette asked why the rope was around her waist. The blonde said that she was trying to commit suicide. The brunette said, "You put it around your neck!" The blonde replied, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe!"

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Two. But I have no idea how they get in there.