A woman came to the psychiatrist worried.
- Doctor, - she said - I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?
- Easy, - said the doctor - Just take the carpet off the floor.
God, I was wondering... how long is a million years to you?
God answered:
- Son, a million years to me is like a second to you.
So the man asks:
- God how much is a million dollars to you?
And God answered:
- Son a million dollars to me is like one penny to you.
So the man asks:
- God, can I have one of your pennies?
And God answers:
- Just a second son.
- OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
- FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
- LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
- AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
- NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
- SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
- RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
We've been married a little over four years, and we just celebrated our "Wooden Anniversary."
Yeah, I asked my wife to blow me, and she wouldn't.
What did the German clockmaker say to the clock that only went 'tick, tick,tick'?'Ve haff vays of making you tock!'
An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters:
- I don't like Chinese.
- Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?
- Your people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese.
- Nooooo, noooo, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.
- Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike.
Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says:
- No like Jew.
- Why not? Why don't you like Jews?
- Jews sink Titanic.
- The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg.
- Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same.
What do you get when you cross a blonde with an ape?
→ A retarded ape.
The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
→ Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
- Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!
- Thank you very much for the call, sir.
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house.
- Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?
- Yep.
- Did they chop your firewood?
- Yep.
- Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.
