Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesmanwas unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. "I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision,"he announced, standing up to leave ... "Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in themorning, let me know what you think."
A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo.
Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression.
- Dad - the boy said finally - if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ...
- Yes, son? - the father said expectantly.
- What bus should I take home? - the boy finished.
What do you call a rich frog?
→ A golf blooded reptile!
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.
A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough.
The bartender said:
- I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?
The man replied:
- I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough.
Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.
However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electricbulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbsdark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labsspokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier thanthat of light, and that dark is faster than light. The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.
Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There isless dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parkinglot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with allthings, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, theycan no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full darksucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. lA new candle has a whitewick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black,representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold apencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn blackbecause it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.
There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle allof the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. Whenthe dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced beforethe portable dark sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from thismass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating darksucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in thesolid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount ofheat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark isalso heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it getsslowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fiftyfeet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks tothe bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. Theimmense power of dark can be utilized to mans advantage. We can collectthe dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it throughturbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where itmay be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to getdark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized thisproblem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe travelling inthe same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as notto stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark,they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way. Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were tostand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowlyopen the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, butsince the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave thecloset. In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our livesmuch easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember thatit is indeed a dark sucker.
Author Unknown
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
→ Lipstick.
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said:
- I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?
No.
The second beau came to the door and said:
- I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?
No.
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer:
- Hello, my name is Chuck.
The farmer shot Chuck.
A nun is walking down the street, when suddenly a punk jumps out of the bushes and hits her over the head, proceeds to kick her in the groin and break her nose with a massive left hook. As the nun is lying bleeding on the floor, the guy looks down and says:
- You're getting slow in your old age, Batman.
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.
Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
- Bob, Is that you? - Earl asked.
- Of course it me - Bob replied.
- This is unbelievable! - Earl exclaimed.
- So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?
- Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?
- Tell me the good news first.
- Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl.
- Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?
- You're pitching tomorrow night.
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
- Why do you do that, Mommy?
- To make myself beautiful - said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
- What's the matter? - asked Little Johnny.
- Giving up?
