So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches his everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says:
- You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums.
- Wow! - the guy says.
- I never imagined heaven would be this good.
The man in the robe says:
- This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer.
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
- Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t? - she asked the instructor.
- P-u-t-t is correct - he replied.
- Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my acquaintance-rape survivor gave to me:
- TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
- ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...),
- TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
- NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
- EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved bovine-Americans,
- SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
- SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,
- FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(Note: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
- FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
- THREE deconstructionist poets,
- TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses,...
And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")
Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!
Friends come by; they shake me,
Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"
I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!
Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)
Fargo, North Dakota:
A candidate for sheriff has challenged his opponents to a shootout, calling it a test of a law officer's ability to protect the public.
- Clearly, being the best shot doesn't necessarily make you the best sheriff, but I think it proves a point - Ken Schwab said Tuesday.
Schwab wants the four other candidates to meet him June 1 at a shooting range. Each will fire 24 rounds at targets to determine the best shot, Schwab said.
The challenge could be a problem for one candidate -- a well-known local tax protester and convicted felon who's not allowed to possess a firearm.
A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.
- I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered? - Stated the counsel for the insurance company.
- Yes, that's right - replied the farmer, nodding his head.
- You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?
- Yeah, but - stammered the farmer.
- A simple yes or not will suffice - counsel interrupted quickly.
- Yes - Replied the farmer.
Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions:
- Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health - his lawyer said.
- Certainly - replied the farmer.
- After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. Now, mate, what the heck would you have said to him?
A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years in the Sahara desert never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them all about it. After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed. The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great escapades.
- And on the third day... - he began.
- No! no! start with the first day - Everyone yells out in chorus.
- And on the third day - the private continues - she asked me to stop so she could go to the bathroom...
One gay man says to the other, did you hear Newt Gingrich is coming out?
- Really? - the second gay man says:
- that's amazing!
The first gay man says:
- yeah we're lucky, he's only coming out of Congress, would you wanna sleep with him?
A young lady walks into a doctors office. "Doctor I'm suffering from a terrible discharge" The Doctor lays her down lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and says "how does that feel?" Young lady, "Oooh doctor that feels lovely..... ...but the discharge is from my ear!!"
