A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.
The man shouted:
- What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there.
The prostitute snapped back:
- What do you want to do, knit or fuck?
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
- Man: What was that for?
- Wife: What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?
- Man: Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.
The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
- Man: What the hell was that for this time?
- Wife: Your horse called.
What does an elephant keep up its trunk?
→ A Yard 'n' half o' snot!
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin:
- For best results, put on two coats.
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said:
- Look at that dog with one eye!
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes:
- Why?
What did God say after he created man?
→ I can do better than this!
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said:
- I think I'll go up and get a coke.
- No problem - said the Israeli.
- I'll get it for you.
While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said:
- That looks good. I think I'll have one too.
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it.
The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
- How long must this go on? - he asked.
- This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
→ lick-a-lot-a-pus
The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants Teaching Introductory Computer Science Courses for Non-majors LATE HOMEWORK When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late and asks for full credit, accept the late work and tell them that it will be awarded full credit. However, do inform them that you will not have time to grade it until after you complete your Ph.
D. DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS 1. If students will not stop talking when the class period begins, announce that there will be a quiz the following day on today's lecture. Then leave. 2. If your students are prone to reading the school paper in class, try taking out a full page ad in the paper informing them that they are going to flunk your class. LECTURES 1. In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be sure to use the class time to stress to the class the importance of keeping up with the readings. In fact, spend most of the class time stressing this. 2. When the time comes to lecture on a subject you know nothing about, the art of controlled digression is invaluable. Here, you try to incite unrelated questions from the class which you answer at length. Then at the end of class scold them for digressing and tell them they'll just have to get the material from the book. GRADING 1. Always use a fire engine red felt-tip marker with a 1/2 inch tip to grade papers. Position your comments strategically so that they spell "DUMB" when seen from a distance. 2. You may grade assignments however you like. Here is a guide to quick and easy grading: 20 % Name 20 % Penmanship 50 % Homework is stapled together 10 % The work itself Warning: Be prepared for a 60% class average. GRADING ERRORS If student A approaches you complaining that an answer on their exam was marked incorrect but was marked correct on student B's exam, promptly mark student B's answer incorrect as well. This will redirect the heat from you onto student A. EXTRA CREDIT 1. If students request extra credit to make up for the homework they didn't turn in, be sure to make the opportunity available to them. Some good extra credit problems are: Solve the dining philosopher's problem, using semaphores. Write a C compiler for the Commodore 64. Translate Moby Dick into ASCII-8 code with a leftmost odd parity bit. Design a replacement for the 80486 chip. Build a File Allocation Table (FAT) out of balsa wood. 2. You may also wish to tell the student that they can do extra credit work while you decide whether to accept it. When the student turns in the work, decide against it. CHEATING 1. When it is obvious to you that several people have copied each other's homework, grade one person's work on a separate sheet of paper, then photocopy your comments onto everyone else's homework. 2. Should you have very skilled cheaters in your class, try giving incorrect information during your lectures. This should result in incorrect answers on exams. Examples that have proven effective include: The three components of a computer system are Larry, Moe and Curly. The only possible digits in the binary system are 0, 1, and 2. The three components of the CPU are the ALU, REGISTERS and cheap bathroom lighting fixtures. The microphone is an output device. "Booting" the computer involves waving a large magnet over your hard drive for 60 seconds. MS-DOS is the operating system for the CRAY Y-MP. When preparing to purchase a new computer system running Windows, you should make sure it has at least 128,000 bytes of main memory. Protocols include saluting your computer and calling the mouse "sir". CPU stands for Ceramic Public Urinal. Structured Programming says that you can write any computer program using only three basic control structures: Sequence, Selection and Guessing. LAB You are expected to spend at least 4 hours each week in the lab to assist with student's questions. Students have been known to come up with some real beauties:
- Why should I save it? I wasn't done yet.
- My disk erased itself!
- Hurry up, I need help. This was due last week.
- Directory? What's that?
- What do I need my textbook for? I'm using a computer. Here are the solutions to the most common problems: P: "The screen is blank - I can't see what I'm doing" S: Turn on the monitor P: "How do I get into Windows?" S: Stare at it long enough and it will start to look like candy. P: "I can't get this computer to do anything." S: Have them move to a computer that has a keyboard. P: "The stupid printer printed the wrong file." S: Reprimand the printer. P: "WordPerfect didn't do what I told it to do." S: Tell them they have to earn its respect first.
A guy goes into a costume shop. He says:
- I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam.
The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says:
- Not big enough.
She brings out a bigger one. He says:
- Still not big enough.
She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says:
- Still not big enough.
She says:
- Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?
