Most viewed jokes

Life Insurance Agent: Don't let me frighten you into a decision. Sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think.

She's so ugly that when a wasp stings her it shuts its eyes.

Where do hamsters come from?
→ Hamsterdam!

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, whereupon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts:

- Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act.

He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK.

- Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a normal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died.

- David: Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry

When the boy started Kindergarten, the teacher asked all the children to give their first name. When she got to the little boy in the second row, he said:

- I'll give you a hint. First it's in your hand, then it's in your mouth, and then it's in your tummy.

The teacher smiled and said:

- OK, Dick, sit down.

Did you hear about the new paint on the market?
→ It's called Blonde. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy!

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.

The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered:

- I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.

- Oh Dear! - the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.

- But. what happened to your other ear?

- The son of a bitch called back.

Confucius say...

Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!

Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.

Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all over town.

Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.

A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.

Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake with smelly finger.

Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.

Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.

Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.

Man with atletic finger make broad jump.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.

Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss baloons.

Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.

He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

Man who argue with wife all day get no peace at night.

Man who is jacking into a peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.

Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.

Elevator smell different to midget.

Man who lay woman on ground have peace on earth.

Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

America Good Place to Put Chinese Restuarant.

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.

When lady say no, she mean maybe when lady say maybe, she mean yes when lady say yes, she no lady.

Man who lay girl on hill not on level.

He who rapes a man's daughter, draws and quarters his son, and buries his wife alive in an anthill should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.

He who outruns the cheetah is fucking fast on his feet!

There is no such thing as rape; Woman run faster with skirt up, than Man with pants down.

Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent.

Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache

He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.

He who refuses to listen is lying.

He who stands in corner with hands in pocket doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.

Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup.

Woman who not practise sex before marriage is sentenced to an indeterminate length.

It take square ass to shit a brick.

The hand that turneth the knob, opens the door.

Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands..

He who stands on toilet seat is high on pot; and he who sniffs Coke, drowns.

Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement!

Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.

Boy who play with himself pulls boner.

Man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.

Man who put foot in mouth get athlete's tongue.

Man who put face in punchbowl get punch in nose.

Man who fall in vat of molten optical glass make spectacle of self.

Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.

So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches his everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says:

- You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums.

- Wow! - the guy says.

- I never imagined heaven would be this good.

The man in the robe says:

- This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer.