Most viewed jokes

Whats the difference between Monica and a Soda machine?
→ They both have, "incert Bill"!

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big breasts...

In high school, I dated a girl with big breasts, but there was no passion.. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.. Now all I want is a girl with big breasts..

Where does Peter Pan eat?
→ Wendy's

Why does a Jewish American Princess close her eyes during sex?
→ She can't stand it to see her husband enjoy himself.

Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
→ Because he was newt to the area!

Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
→ To keep his ankles warm.

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.

- This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

The first blonde answers:

- That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!

The policeman says:

- Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE.

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her:

- This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says:

- Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!

The policeman angrily responds:

- What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks:

- This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds:

- ...think hard before giving me a stupid answer.

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says:

- Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses.

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

- Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that.

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

- Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?

- That's easy - the blonde replied.

- He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

Two bums were sitting on a street curb, bored as ever.

Then, one of them got an idea, saying:

- I know, let's play swords!

- Play swords? - asked the other.

- How?

- Simple. Whip it out, smack it till it's hard, and we both whack 'em together like swords.

So they did, and they were running up and down the street, smacking their dicks together playing swords.

Then, a gay man walked up to them and inquired about their actions.

- We're playing swords! - yelled one of the bums.

The gay man wanted to play too. An hour later, the gay man was becoming exhausted.

- I'm tired, - he said. He bent over saying:

- kill me!, kill me!!

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. Sleeping Beauty proclaimed:

- I am the most beautiful person in the world.

- No, you're not - answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

Tom Thumb shouted:

- I am the smallest person in the world.

- No, you're not - said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.

Don Juan announced:

- I've had more lovers than any person in the world.

- No, you haven't - replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming:

- I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so.

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty:

- I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees.

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering:

- Who the hell is Bill Clinton?

Name something a duck can do, that a doctor won't.
→ Stick his bill up his ass.