Most viewed jokes

What's the similarity between Bill Clinton and a carpenter?
→ One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.

A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on her breath. He says:

- I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.

She blows up the balloon and he walks over to the police car.

After a couple of minutes comes back and says:

- It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.

She replies:

- You mean it shows that, too?

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains:

- I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5.

Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says:

- OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!

This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question:

- What's the distance from the earth to the moon?

The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.

Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer:

- What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?

The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks:

- Well, so what's the answer?

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

An old italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and ask:

- Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.

So the Italian woman goes to aks another saleswoman:

- Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?

- No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your husband.

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask:

- Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?

The saleswoman answers:

- Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety split.

To which the Italian woman answers:

- No no no, that's not-a my tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the breasts but he no lickety split!

Yo mama so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon.
Yo mama so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida.

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
→ So he could hide in the cherry tree!

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
→ Big holes all over Australia!

What's the difference between a sick elephant and seven days?
→ One is a weak one and the other one week!

What pill would you give to an elephant that can't sleep?
→ Trunkquilizers!

Why are elephants grey?
→ So you can tell them from flamingos!

- Elephant Keeper: My Elephant isn't well, do you know a good animal doctor?

- Zoo Keeper: No, all the doctors I know are people!

Why do elephants scratch themselves?
→ Because they're the only ones who know where they itch!

How does an elephant get down from a tree?
→ He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn!

Why did the elephant paint himself with different colours?
→ Because he wanted to hide in the colouring box!

How do you know that peanuts are fattening?
→ Have you ever seen a skinny elephant?

Nancy & Betty, and Jim & Tom were in the old people's home. Nancy & Betty thought Jim & Tom weren't getting enough excitement so they decided to run naked past Jim & Tom's room. Later that night they did just that.

Jim looked at Tom and said:

- Did you see that? What in the hell were Nancy & Betty wearing?

- I don't know, but whatever it was, it sure needed ironing.

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the emergency operator asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying:

- I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said:

- I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked:

- Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate. But....

The priest replied:

- Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice.

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said:

- Better than pork, isn't it?

Why don't cannibals eat comedians?
→ They taste funny.