Most viewed jokes

Bad News And Awful News

One morning Bill Clinton wakes up. He looks outside, it had snowed during the night and everything was covered in snow. He looks down and sees something written in urine on the lawn it reads:

- I hope YoU GeT ImPeAcHeD.

Bill calls the FBI and says:

- Someone has written 'I hope you get impeached' in urine on my lawn. For them to write it in the spot it's in they would have had to be on my deck. Please help me find this criminal.

The FBI agrees and comes back a week later:

- Well Mr. Clinton we did DNA, urine and handwriting tests. Do you want to here the bad news or the awful news first.

Bill sighs:

- bad I guess.

- The urine belongs to Al Gore - Bill grabs his chest.

- Oh! Al, my best friend my partner, my vice president...

What's the awful news?!

The FBI agents look at each other...

- The hand writing was Hillary's

Capitalist And Socialist Hell

A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the executive asked the guard:

- What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?

- They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack - the guard replied.

- And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?

- The same exact thing - the guard answered.

- Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?

- Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!

Going Further

A coupla Aggies, Buck and Thurleen, married after graduating from Texas A&M, are driving from Dallas down to a motel in Austin for their honeymoon. Along the way, Buck reaches over and puts his hand on Thurleen's knee.

Thurleen smiles, blushes and says:

- Oh Buck, we're married now, you can go farther than that!

So he drove on to Laredo.

Stranded on Deserted Islands

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

- 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

- 2 French men and 1 French woman

- 2 German men and 1 German woman

- 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

- 2 English men and 1 English woman

- 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

- 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

- 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

- 2 American men and 1 American woman

- 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred ...

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman endlessly complains about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her arse look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and setup a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

Christmas Morning Cop

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

The Executive's New Secretary

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

- And just where have you been until this hour? - demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

- Down at the office, - he replied, working like a dog.

Ticket to Pittsburgh

A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs.

He says:

- Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm... I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh.

He's really embarrassed...

The guy in line behind him says:

- Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said...'You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life!'

Lousy Christmas Tree

  1. Two feet tall, forty feet wide
  2. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"
  3. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers
  4. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.
  5. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it.
  6. It's very small and says "air freshener" on it.
  7. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.
  8. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"

Elephant Memory Riddles

What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant?
→ An animal that tells you everything that it remembers!

What is a baby elephant after he is five weeks old?
→ Six weeks old!

What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail?
→ This is the end of me!

- Policeman: One of your elephants has been seen chasing a man on a bicycle.

- Zoo Keeper: Nonsense, none of my elephants knows how to ride a bicycle!

Why do the elephants have short tails?
→ Because they can't remember long stories!

How to you keep an elephant in suspense?
→ I'll tell you tomorrow!

- Dad, Mum is fighting with an enormous elephant in the garden!

- Don't worry dear, I'm sure the elephant can look after itself!

- My elephants got no trunk?

- How does it smell?

- Terrible!

What do elephants sing at christmas?
→ Noel-ephants, Noel-ephants...

Who do elephants get their christmas presents from?
→ Elephanta Claus!