Most viewed jokes

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest, when suddenly a tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and pull themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of OZ. Naturally, they decide to go to see the Wizard of OZ.

Says Quayle:

- I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain.

Says Gingrich:

- I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart.

Clinton says:

- Where's Dorothy?

What's the difference between women and men?
→ One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for a weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip air ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, offering his credit card numbers, his driver's license number and his address but to no avail. The cabbie said:

- If you don't have $15, get the hell out of my cab.

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line. He asked:

- How much for a ride to the airport?

- Fifteen bucks - came the reply.

- And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?

- What?!! Get the hell out of my cab!

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked:

- How much for a ride to the airport?

The cabbie replied:

- Fifteen bucks.

The businessman said "OK" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.

On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says:

- my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. He exclaims:

- Oh, oh, aaaahhh - My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled she asks:

- MY picture?

He answers:

- yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever.

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks:

- why do you wear a robe? We are married now.

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims:

- oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture.

He beams and asks:

- why?

She answers:

- SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED!

Last summer, the local orchestra decided to play Beethoven's 9th symphony.

However, it being quite hot, the players were working up quite a sweat, until a neighbor let them use the ventilators in her house.

However, the wind from these ventilators was causing the notes to blow all over the place, so they had to tie them down to the note holders.

The din from the ventilators was so bad that the bassists decided it didn't matter if they downed a few drinks and got royally drunk.

Two of the bassists got so drunk that they pass out.

One of the violinists, in disgust, decided to go home but slipped and fell.

Thus, it was the bottom of the 9th, the bassists were loaded, the score was tied with two men out, and the fans were roaring wild when one of the players slid home.

A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severely bleeding.

The officer asked:

- Can you describe the person who did this to you?

The Irishman replied:

- That's what I was doing when he hit me.

How does a man keep his youth?
→ By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

- Woman: Two Achoo! tickets, please.

- Clerk: Have you purchased tickets here before?

- Woman: cough No.

- Clerk: Then I need your address.

- Woman: Okay. It's 260..AHEM Sorry.. Laryngitis...

- Clerk: You'll have to spell that one for me.

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments." After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him:

- I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it.

- Preacher: You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your mind?

- Old Man: No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I remember where I left my old hat!

What does a Jewish American Princess make for dinner?
→ Reservations.