Most viewed jokes

Why haven't Women landed on the Moon?
→ Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!

The doctor had just completed his examination of the gorgeous redhaired beauty.

- I would suggest to you, young lady - began the medic, as he regained some of his professional dignity - that you discontinue some of your running around.

- Stop drinking so much, cut down on your smoking, and above all you will have to start eating properly and getting to bed early.

Then, as a pleasant afterthought, he added:

- Why not have dinner with me tonight? I'll see to it that you have the proper food and that you'll be in bed by 9:00!

A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartenter:

- Give me twenty shots of your best singlemalt scotch quick!

The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can.

The bartender says:

- Wow. I never saw anybady drink that fast.

The man says:

- well you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have.

The bartender says:

- Oh my god. what is it. what do you have?

The man looks at him and says:

- Fifty cents.

Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple?
→ Because everyone had to go on in pairs!

Why did the elephant walk on two feet?
→ To give the ants a chance!

Why do elephants have trunks?
→ Because they've no pockets to put things in!

Why did the elephant jump in the lake when it began to rain?
→ To stop getting wet!

What do elephants do in the evenings?
→ Watch elevision!

How to elephants talk to each other?
→ By 'elephone!

What did the zoo keeper say when he saw four elephants walking over the hill towards him wearing sunglasses?
→ Nothing, he didn't recognize them!

When do elephants have 8 feet?
→ When there are two of them!

What did the elephant say to the famous detective?
→ It's ele-mentary, my dear Sherlock!

- Zoo Keeper: I've lost one of my elephants

- Other Zoo Keeper: Why don't you put an advert in the paper?

- Zoo Keeper: Don't be silly, he can't read!

What do you do if you find a blue elephant?
→ Try and cheer him up!

Two fags were walking down the street and passed a handsome guy. One fag turned to the other and said:

- See that stud there, Bruce?

- Sure.

- Well, let me tell you, he's a tremendous fuck!

- No shit? - Bruce asked.

- Well, hardly any.

Two fags are on a picnic, and the first guy says, "I have to take a dumpski," and he walks into the woods to do it. Several minutes later, the other guy hears the first guy crying, "Boo Hoo, I Had A Miscarriage. I Had A Miscarriage." He runs into the woods to see what is going on. When he gets there, the first guy is still crying, "Boo-Hoo I Had A Miscarriage..." He looks down and says, "Don't be silly. You didn't have a miscarraige. You had diarrhea on a toad."

Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the second:

- My eyesight isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for me?

The second guy says:

- Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit.

So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to his buddy and says:

- Did you see it?

- Sure! - says his buddy.

- Where did it go? - the first guy asks.

The second old man thinks for a minute and says:

- I can't remember.

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."

Rabbi Stern rides his bike down the road, when a truck careens around the corner, out of control, and broadsides the Rabbi.

Father Flannery watches this event unfold, and as he runs toward the Rabbi, he notices that Rabbi Stern first touches his forehead, then his stomach, then each shoulder. As Father Flannery reaches the Rabbi, he kneels and makes the sign of the cross himself.

- Rabbi, I notice that you crossed yourself after getting up from the accident. It's a miracle, must be! Have you seen the light? Do you believe, man?

- Aw, heck no! - replied Rabbi Stern - I was just checking.

- Checking? Checking for what?

Rabbi Stern begins the ritual again, and follows each movement with:

- Spectacles... Testicles... Wallet... Watch!