Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said:
- Johnny. This is where you come from.
Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."
- Why? - one asked.
Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said:
- Because I came this close to being a turd.
What did the Hollywood producer say to the Apes in the zoo when they refused to sign contracts to appear in his new film?
→ Stop playing it cagey!
How is a cat laying down like a coin?
→ Because he has his head on one side and his tail on the other!
Why are cars longer in the evening than they are in the morning?
→ Because they're let out in the evening and taking in in the morning!
What cat purrs more than any other?
→ Purrsians!
How do you spell mousetrap in just three letters?
→ C-A-T!
Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
→ There was some money in the kitty!
What does a cat call a bowl of mice?
→ A purrfect meal!
Why did the cat sleep under the car?
→ Because she wanted to wake up oily!
What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese?
→ He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath!
What is another way to describe a cat?
→ A heat seeking missile!
Moscow, Russia:
First it was a flight in a MiG fighter jet. Then 30 seconds of weightlessness in a cosmonaut-training device.
Soon thrill-seeking tourists may be able to ride in a Russian submarine, tank or missile ship.
Pressed for money and burdened with surplus weaponry since the end of the Cold War, Russia is pioneering a new fad: military tourism.
The only requirements are a taste for adventure and plenty of cash.
As the plane goes into a dive from 30,000 feet, passengers in its padded zero-gravity chamber suddenly rise from the aircraft's floor.
The price for floating free for half a minute: $4,000.
A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
- Here lies an honest man and a lawyer - responded the lawyer.
- Sorry, but I can't do that - replied the stonecutter. In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put 'here lies an honest lawyer'.
- But that won't let people know who it is! - protested the lawyer.
- Sure it will - retorted the stonecutter. People will read it and exclaim, 'That's impossible!'
A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.
- Whoa, Sam! - said the bartender.
- Who gave those beauties to you?
- Nobody gave them to me - said Sam.
- I had to fight like crazy for both of them.
Why do men name their penises?
→ Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.
Three Things Women Can Do That Men Can't:
An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when she suddenly had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer.
Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator.
He began to sniff.
The Avon lady asked:
- Do you smell something?
- Why, yes, I do - he replied.
- What does it smell like?
- Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit in a pine tree.
Mr. Schneider stood up in court:
- As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any money.
Glaring down at him, the judge replied:
- He's not. I am. You do.
