Most viewed jokes

Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left.

However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine.

However, it would now take 18 hours to get to New York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said:

- Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!

Where are most fish found?
→ Between the head and the tail!

What kind of fish will help you hear better?
→ A herring aid!

What do fish sing to each other?
→ Salmon-chanted evening!

How does an octopus go to war?
→ Well-armed!

Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?
→ On squid row!

What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
→ Monkfish!

What bit of fish doesn't make sense?
→ The piece of cod that passeth all understanding!

What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?
→ A fish tank!

What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish?
→ Tsardines!

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
→ I wanna hold you hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \e-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots.
Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: Two physicians.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.

An Irishman, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help. A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carring a glass of water through the desert?" The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water. A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again. As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread. Finally the Irishman appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?" "Well," he said, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.

- Doctor, - says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands.

- Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?

- I don't see why not, - replies the doctor.

- That's funny, - says the man.

- I wasn't able to play it before.

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane.

At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess collecting tickets.

When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said:

- I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub.

- Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?

- His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.

- LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat?

- HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed, and asked:

- Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?

The waiter replied:

- Yes. We had an efficiency expert here that determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table.

By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen.

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented:

- Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?

The waiter replied:

- Yes, we all do. That same efficiency expert determined that we spend 21.4% of our time washing our hands after using the men's room. The other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my tool out of my pants, go, and then return to work.

Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands.

Saves a lot of time.

- Wait a minute - said the diner, how do you get your penis back in your pants?

- Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.

You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather then hem them.